A joke or two.

----------------------------Painting The Church---------------------------------------------------

There was a Dublin painter named Paddy,who was very interested in making a Penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a bit further.


As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
But eventually the Parish Priest decided to do a big Restoration Job on the outside of the church.
Paddy Put in a bid,and because his price was so low,he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks and buying the Paint and,Yes, I'm SORRY TO SAY, Thinning it down with Turpentine.

Well,Paddy was up on the scaffolding,painting away, the job nearly completed,when
suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder,the sky opened,and the rain poured down,washing the thinned paint from all over the Church and Knocking paddy clear off the scaffold to land on the Lawn among the grave stones,surrounded by tell tale puddles of thinned and useless Paint.

Paddy was no fool,he knew this was a Judgement from the Almighty,so he got down on his knees and Cried:
"Oh,God, Oh,God, Forgive Me,What Should I Do?".
and from the Thunder a Mighty Voice Spoke ::









"Repaint ! Repaint "!
"And Thin No More" !

 

(1)'The Money' ?
(2)'The Weather'?
(3)'The Night Life In Dubai Is Fantastic'
'But Just Wait Till The Wife Sees Me '

"The First Two, No Problem"....

 

-------------------IT'S BETTER THAN A FLU JAB.------------------------------------------------ The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the Pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room,she invited him to have a seat while she prepared Tea.

As he sat admiring her Hammond Organ, the young Pastor noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The Bowl was filled with water and in the water floated a Condom !.

When she returned with his Tea they began to chat.
The Pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?", pointing at the bowl.
"Oh Yes", she replied, "isn't It Wonderful"?.
"I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground".
"The directions said to place it on the organ,keep it wet,and that would prevent the spread of disease, and, do you know, i haven't had the flu all winter.

 

A man goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say's hello.
He's rather taken aback ,because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he say's, "Do you know me?",to which she replies,"
"I think you are the father of one of my kids" !.

Now his mind travels back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife and say's,
"My God,are you the stripper from my stag party,that I had my way with on the pool table, with all my mates watching?".


She looks into his eyes and calmly say's,
"No I'm your son's Maths Teacher".

 

I was playing Football Manager on my PC when I was offered the Scotland job.

I knew it was a moo poo squad with no future, so I declined the offer.

I then put the phone down and got back to Football Manager.

 

A Kind Hearted Scotsman

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant last night...

"Did you smell that food?" she asked... "Incredible!"

Being the 'Kind Hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck, I'll
treat her!"

... So they walked past it again...

 

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and
death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that
every time I breathe, somebody dies"?

"Really"?! he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?

 

My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't
stopped for a minute."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th
hole."

 

A man was lying in bed with his new Girlfriend.
After Having great sex,she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles--------------------something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it,he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because",she replied, "I miss mine".

 

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM. I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Magna Carta signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

 

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem
arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't
know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation,
clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her
butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to
say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the
butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken
breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

 

Lost Petrol Cap

David filled his car with Petrol at a self-service Petrol station.

After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the Petrol
cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done
the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the
road since even if he couldn't find his own Petrol cap, he might be able to
find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a Petrol cap. He
tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," David thought, "I lost my Petrol cap, but I found another one that
fits.

"And this one's even better because it locks."

 

Two cannibals, a
father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to
eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.


Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad,
there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that
one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

...
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son
said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd
all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."


About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.


The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's
eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."


"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take
her back alive and eat your mother.

 

During a commercial airline flight a Navy pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.
When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon debarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Navy pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Damn! And all these years I've been chewing gum."