A joke or two.

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

http://www.strategypage.com

 

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

 

Subject: Fwd: smile time..Psychologist and lawyer


A guy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl answered with a loud voice, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!”

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, and he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him,
“I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy responded with a loud voice, "£200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!!!”

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock, and the guy whispered in her ear,
“I study law, and I know how to make someone look guilty."

 

A couple brought their new-born son to the pediatrician for his first check-up, the doctor said, "You have such a cute baby." Smiling, the child's mother said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents." "No," he admitted, "just to those whose babies are really cute." "So what do you say to the others?" I asked. "He looks just like you.!

 

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make
motions as if he would like to speak.

The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and
asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and
pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give
it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his
message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands.

Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the
priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit,
the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before
passing on, he wrote this message to you."

The wife tearfully opened the note which read:

"GET OFF MY *!#%*!!**$%^! OXYGEN TUBE!!"

 

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman,
Maggie, half his age, All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a
'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear
that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother,
all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while!

To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since
there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to
gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue. He did recall however that
during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big
towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently,
this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a
strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were
having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down,
relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath
towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the
Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while
Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half
hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a
boasting voice shouted, "And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin
towel

 

FIFTY SHEDS OF GREY
Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed."I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
Jack McH

 

After Helen Flanagan's trial in a room with an ostrich, Ant and Dec asked how it felt to come face to face with a strange looking bird with a tiny brain.

"loving terrifying" replied the ostrich.

 

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his
van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along,

he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock
in the morning?' asked the police officer.

'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.

'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this
time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

 

I had just watched a dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to
myself,
"Wow; dogs are easily entertained."

Then I realised, I had just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes.

 

A group of Primary School infants accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to Epsom Races to see and learn about Thoroughbred Horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet,it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other teacher.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet,when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the Urinal.

Having no choice,she went inside,helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one,holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in year four"!,
"No love"he replied,
"I'm riding Gold Flame in the 2.30".

 

My girlfriend told me my OCD is ruining our sex life.

"Don't be silly," I said, looking down at my pedometer. "Only another 200 thrusts until you orgasm."

 

Best definition


There's an annual contest at the Griffith University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.


This year's term was 'political correctness'.

The winning student wrote:

'Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of moo poo by the clean end.'

 

A Cavan driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying illegitimate child told you I was speeding, too!"