A joke or two.

A husband asks his wife, "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How
do you control your anger"?

"I clean the toilet bowl."

"How does that help"?

"I use your toothbrush."

...................

A drunken man was casually taking a wee into a drinking fountain in the
park.

A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically. "What the hell do
you think you're doing? There's a public toilet 20 yards from here!"

The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you think I have, a hose?

...................

The irate diner raised his hand to catch the attention of a passing waiter.

"Excuse me," said the man, "but how long have you been working here?"

"About a year," replied the waiter.

"In that case," said the diner, "never mind. It couldn't have been you that
took my order.

...................





After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a
late-night drink.

"You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if
they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got
the better of the man. "I have to ... go" he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents'
bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his
head around the door and asked,

"Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?

...................

 

http://humour.bluehaze.com.au/files/20111128_hombre_tenia_que_ser.wmv

 

An elderly couple,who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends,they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding,they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances,living arrangements and so on.

Finally,the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How Do You Feel About Sex ?", he asked, rather tentatively.

"I Would Like It Infrequently ", she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment,
Adjusting his Glasses,Leaned over towards her and whispered,

"Is That One Word Or Two?"..

 

Yesterday I underwent a painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed.

Still, got some great wedding presents though!

 

Just got to make a point here...i know i shouldn't 'like' them but i do

 

What? The previous post is about spines and testicles

 

you're making me feel worse Clueless

 

(IT TOOK A VERY BRAVE MAN TO WRITE THIS)
(IT TAKES AN EVEN BRAVER ONE TO FORWARD IT).

A Son asked his Mother the following question:

"Mum ,why are wedding dresses white?".
The Mother looks at her son and replies:

"Son this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure".

The Son thanks his mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad, why are wedding dresses White ?"

The Father looks at his son in Surprise and says:


"Son All Household Appliances Come In White" !!!!..

 

An old man walks into the Barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the Barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The Barber Gets a little wooden ball from a Cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the Cleanest shave he's had in years,but he wanted to know,what would have happened if he had swallowed That little ball !!!. .

The Barber Replied:






"Just Bring It Back In A Couple Of Days Like Everyone Else Does".

 

After being Married for 40 years,I took a careful look at my wife one day and said-----

"40 years ago we had a cheap house,a junk car,slept on a sofa bed ,and watched a
10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a Hot 25 year old girl".

"Now I have a £500-000 home, a £40-000 car,a nice Big Water Bed and a Large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65 year old woman.."
"It seems to me you're not holding up your side of things".

My Wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a Hot 25 year old girl.


Then she would make sure that I would once again ,be living in a cheap house,driving a junk car,sleeping on a sofa bed,and watching a 10 inch black and white TV..



"Aren't older women great ?"



"They really know how to solve an Old Guy's Problems"

 

It's predicted that by 2025 you'll be no more than a six feet away from an ex-Chelsea manager.

 

After the sacking of Di Matteo, Chelsea are now looking for a manager that is going to fit right in with the club.

My money is on Ron Atkinson coming out of retirement!!

 

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.”​

“And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.”​

The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!”​

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”​

Read more: http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz2CtEdAexr​

 

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. ​

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.​

​

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.​

​

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. ​

​

"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."​

​

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.​

​

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" ​

​

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" ​

​

And the old man enjoyed peace.​

​

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