A joke or two.

A helicopter carrying passengers suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to descent. The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them. Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door. The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!". ​

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"​

​

 

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" ​

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"​

​

 

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain. ​

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats. ​

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"​

 

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." ​

Customer: "Ok." ​

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No." ​

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" ​

Customer: "No." ​

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" ​

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."​

​

 

Knock Knock​

Who's there?​

Alex​

Alex who?​

Alexplain later now let me in.​

​

 

A young man goes into a Chemist to buy some Condoms.
The pharmacist tells him they come in packs of 3,6,9,and 12 and asks the young man how many he would like.
"Well "say's the young man,"I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot, I want the condoms because I think Tonight's The Night."

"We're having dinner with her parents before we go out up town and I've got a feeling that I'm going to be lucky after that,so you'd better give me a pack of 12, as once she's had me she will be wanting more and more".
The young man makes his purchase,and leaves.

Later that evening he sits down to dinner with his Girlfriend and her parents,he asks if he may say grace and the parents agree.

He begins the prayer,but it goes on for several minutes.
The Girl leans over and says "I didn't know you were so religious",
to which the boy leans over and says -------------------------------.











"I Didn't Know Your Dad Was A Pharmacist".

 

(IRISH SPEEDOS )

Patrick,who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi Beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the Girls,so he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate it's obvious", says the lifeguard,You're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make Ya look like an old geezer,they're years outta style.".

Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos.----- about two sizes too small and drop a Fist size potato down inside, eh" .

"I'm Tellin Ya Mate------ you'll have all the Babes Ya Want".

The following weekend, Patrick hits the Beach with his spanking new tight speedos and his fist sized Potato.

Everybody on the Beach was Disgusted as he walked By. They covered their faces,turned away looking sick .

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,

"WHAT'S WRONG NOW"???.


















"JEEZUS DRONGO", said the Lifeguard,
"Mate ,The Potato Goes in Front".

 

Eeerrrrmmm - this should test the measure of the profanity filter !!
If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of
laughter cells...... This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the
70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God
knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. The speed of delivery
must have been too much
for the whining herds.. Try getting through it without converting the
spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly
isters. Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a
marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying
poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters
were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was
called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had
fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to
the ball, but
the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared...
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy
fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there
would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly,
Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust
jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over
there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper
on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking
funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted
pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny!
from the two Ronnies show in 1970 on BBCTV !!

 

​

 

(NEW AUSSIE PICK UP LINE).

A bloke was standing at a bar and a Beautiful woman was beside him,
so he leans over and says,
"You Remind Me Of My Little Toe",
She replies "What", do you mean I'm small and cute?",

He says,"No I'll Probably Bang You On The Coffee Table later,when I'm Drunk"

 

Yoko Ono is going in the jungle to advise on bush tucker survival. As she has managed to live off a dead beatle for the last 30 years.

 

Have fun with this.

http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/tts_example.php?sitepal

Incidentally, watch her eyes follow your cursor.

 

An oldie but worth looking at again.

 

A Little Boy Was Selling Parachutes.

Little Boy: "Buy This Parachute And Land Safely On The Ground During Emergency"

Customer: "What If This Does Not Open When Needed?"
Little Boy: "You'll Get Your Money Back"

from: siliconindia.com
==========

My boss walked past my desk and asked me: "Why are you not working?"
I replied "Because I never saw you coming Sir".
===========
Interviewer: Do you think you can handle a variety of work?
Candidate: Yes I think so, I have worked in 10 different places in the last 3 months.
=======
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
========
A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,

"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
======
Michelangelo's' Mother: ' Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?'
=====
Wayne was returning home from a business trip... bags in hand ... and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage.

Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car."

Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah ... no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself."

"No," the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get In!"

Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.

Just then, the driver's face softened ..... "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park and I want yours."

 

A woman gets into a lift in a very expensive hotel and hits the button for her floor.

A few seconds later, the lift stops at the next floor and an elegant woman walks in.
The first woman Sniffs,and the elegant woman says in a very posh voice,"Chanel No5
£100 a Bottle ".

The Lift stops at the next floor and another elegant woman walks in.
The first woman Sniffs,and the other elegant woman says in her Posh voice,
" Jean Paul Gaultier £150 a bottle".

The Lift stops at the next floor,and another Elegant woman walks in.
The first woman Sniffs again,
In a Posh voice the third elegant woman remarks, NiNa RiCCi, £250 a bottle.

The lift stops at the first woman's floor, just as she was about to walk out
she Breaks Wind,
She turns around and says ," Sprouts, 46p a Pound!!!".