A joke or two.

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav chick use as protection during sex?
A. Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

"Dad?" said my young son. "Why do you always do what Mummy tells you?"

"Well, son," I said, "it's because we made a deal. I was able to choose your name, hairstyle and the clothes you wear, and in return I have to do everything she says."

"Has it been worth it, Dad?"

"It has, Adolf, it has."

 

After a major Microsurgery Congress, an American surgeon, a German surgeon and a British surgeon meet in the pub for a drink. Inevitably, they start to talk shop and boast about their achievements.

"A worker in an automobile factory got caught up in a press for sheet metal," says the American surgeon. "All that was left of him was a thumb, so we took it, constructed a new hand, a new arm, a torso, head, legs and so on. The resulting worker was so capable that he put 50 other guys out of a job."

"That's nothing," says the German surgeon. "Last month a young man had an accident in one of our nuclear power stations. All we could find was a single hair, so I took the hair and constructed a new head, a new brain and a complete body. The young man is now so efficient that he has put 200 other men out of a job."

"You think those are achievements?" says the British surgeon. "I was on the street a few years ago when I smelled a fart. Quick as a flash, I pulled out a plastic bag and caught it, then took it to my clinic. I used the matter to create a new anus, then I used my patented techniques to flesh it out until I was able to build a completely new body - with a head and a brain. This bloke is so amazingly efficient that he's put hundreds of thousands out of a job."

"Why haven't we heard of this?" says the American. "What's his name?

"Cameron, David Cameron."

 

Benny Hill lives on!

 

(Difference Between Complete And Finished, Some say there is no Difference ).

When you meet the right woman- You are Complete.

When you meet the Wrong woman-You are Finished.

When the Right one catches you with the Wrong One,You Are---,


Completely Finished !!!!.

 

Subject: 1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
>
>
> 1981.
>
> 1. Prince Charles got married.
> 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
> 3. Australia lost the Ashes.
> 4. The Pope died.
>
>
> 2005
> 1. Prince Charles got married.
> 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
> 3. Australia lost the Ashes.
> 4. The Pope died.
>
> Lesson to be learned:
>
> The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

 

-------------Words Of Wisdom Between Now And Eternity.----------------------------------

Number Eight. Life Is Sexually Transmitted.

Number Seven. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate of which one can die.

Number Six. Men have two emotions:Hungry And Horny.
If you see a gleam in his eyes,make him a sandwich.

Number Five. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the internet and they wont bother you for weeks, months,and maybe years.

Number Four. Health Nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in Hospitals,Dying of nothing.

Number Three. All of us could take a lesson from the weather,
It pays attention to criticism.

Number Two. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And Now the Number One Thought.

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno Peppers---------------What You Do Today,

Might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow.

And as someone recently said to me ,
"Don't worry about old age----- It doesn't Last That Long".

"What matters is what you do between now and the end".

 

It's been confirmed that the coin that struck Rio Ferdinand was actually a Euro, as Man City fans no longer have any need for them

 

I saw a guy with a bumper sticker saying 'Jesus is my co-pilot'.

When I overtook him, I noticed that Jesus was a small fat lady with no teeth.

 

(Amazing Simple Home Remedies).

(1) Avoid cutting yourself when slicing Vegetables ,
Get someone else to hold the Vegetables while you chop.

(2) Avoid arguments(with the females in your house)about lifting the toilet seat,
Use The Sink.

(3) For high blood pressure sufferers-simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes,
Thus reducing the pressure on your veins. REMEMBER USE A TIMER.

(4)A Mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you going back to sleep,after you hit the snooze button.

(5)If you have a bad cough,take a large dose of Laxatives,
Then you will be afraid to cough.

(6)You need only two tools in life, WD-40 and Duck tape,
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40,
If it should't move and does, use the Duck tape.

(7)If you can't fix it with a hammer,
You've got an electrical problem.

(8)Never under any circumstances take a Laxative and sleeping pills on the same night..

 

I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Rusty