A joke or two.

Ooooooopps!

 

Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?


















Yeah, he got 12 months!

:happydance: :happydance: :happydance:

 

Samantha arrived early in the hospital for her operation. Later that morning the nurses undressed her, covered with a theatre sheet and wheeled her off to the theatre.

The red light was on in the corridor outside the theatre doors so the orderly said "Wait here" to her and went in through another door.

Then a man in a white coat came up to her on her trolley in the corridor, lifted the sheet and examined her naked body very closely. He then snapped his fingers at another man in a white coat who lifted the sheet again and gave her another thorough examination from head to toe.

Getting impatient she said "This is all fine and good but when are you going to start the operation?" "I dunno" said the first man, "We're only the painters!"

 

I had a Ploughmans Lunch,



















He was furious.

 

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. They discussed the gifts
they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said: "I built a big house
for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't
see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It
took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter
and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I
have to clean the whole house.

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I
rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

 

Don't know what taciturn means? This will give you a hint.


A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Laramie,
Wyoming. He sits at the counter and notices an old
cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full
bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the
old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I
do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the
young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says,
"Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the
bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with
delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices
a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and
he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I
got, too.


:D

 

Holy Email

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?





Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

 

The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet.

My car been repossessed.

:gaagh:

 

A friend once mentioned that only 5% of women make it to heaven.

I asked him why only 5%?

He said that any more than 5% and it would be hell.


:(

 

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?


A speech impediment.

 

Cade.

The little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we are in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There have been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

Cade continued: ''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh...Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mommy!''

He started to gag at this point.

''Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the
subject. I began to reason with myself: OK There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!''

He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. ''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.
''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'' He started pounding on the door. ''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.

My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

 

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Substance: Woman
Chemical System: Wo
Manufacturer: God
Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary
from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and
shopping malls.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarminly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)


COMMON USES:
------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.


SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.


HAZARDS:
---------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards.
__________________

 

A Kind Grandfather

A woman in a grocery shop happens upon a grandfather and
his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle;
same for fruit, cereal and soft drinks in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice: "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say,
"It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here
Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the trolley, and
Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy,
don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading
his groceries and the boy into his car. "You know, sir, it's none of my
business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it.
That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud
and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be
okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little shit's name is Steve."

 

Cajun fishin

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.
He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.


Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.
He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.
He s quirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free.


But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.
Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can.


Now, Boudreaux know dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he have a plan.
He reach into de back pockt of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.


He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body
go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.


A while later
Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton
moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

 

B&Q Warehouse scam

A warning for all men who may be regular B&Q Hardware Store customers - be careful. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two young 20 - 21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windolene.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another B&Q Warehouse. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts making out with you , while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th.

Also May 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.