A joke or two.

rustyroots · Dec 22, 2012

I've decided to stop wearing my glasses.

It makes me look harder.

Rusty

music · Dec 22, 2012

A Husband Bought His Wife A Fur coat.

He Said To His Wife,"Your Knickers Are Coming Down",
The Wife Looks Down And Says--------- "No There Not",

The Husband Says,------------------------"Well If There Not"

"That Fur Coat's Going Back To The Shop" !!!!!!!!. .

music · Dec 22, 2012

The Doctor Put My Wife On A New Pill, And Now We Have Sex Every Night. ..

It Doesn't Matter What Position We Are In,-------- Nothing Wakes Her. ..

music · Dec 22, 2012

Viagra Have Announced A New Tablet Called 007,

It Doesn't Make You Daniel Craig,

But It Makes You Roger More..

mowgley · Dec 23, 2012

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well?" she said, "I've lost a stone, can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone." I said, "can you see a difference?"

mowgley · Dec 23, 2012

My wife walked in to find me having sex with a can of corned beef.

"You said you were at work", she screamed.

"I said I was in a meat tin", I replied.

JWK · Dec 24, 2012

When I got home last night, the phone was ringing. I picked it up and said ‘Who’s speaking please? ’ And a voice said ‘You are.’

I went to the doctors. He said ‘What appears to be the problem?’. I said ‘I keep having the same dream, night after night; beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away’. He said ‘What do you want me to do?’. I said ‘Break my arms!’

Last time I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

Last night I took a taxi home. I said to the taxi driver, ‘King Authur’s Close’. He said, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll lose him at the next set of lights!’

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said ‘What do you want?’. ‘I’d like to stay here’ And she said, ‘Ok. Stay there’.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said ‘You’ve been promoted.’ And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said ‘You’ve been promoted again.’ And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said ‘You’re managing director.’ And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said ‘What happened to you?’ And I said ‘I careered off the road.’

You know what’s strange? You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’

shiney · Dec 24, 2012

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Britain .

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

The UK 's OIL is located in The North Sea and

All Our DIPSTICKS are located in Westminster !!!

mowgley · Dec 25, 2012

I woke startled in the night and saw a big fat bearded figure wearing a red suit at the bottom of my bed.

"Santa?" I called out rubbing my eyes as I flicked the bedside light on."

"No it's me, Dave" my wife replied standing in her new red onesie.

mowgley · Dec 25, 2012

My wife used to punch me in the face every time she had an orgasm during sex, sometimes she would orgasm three or four times. I didn't mind so much until I found out she was faking them

mowgley · Dec 26, 2012

"What would you give me if I bought you a lottery ticket for Christmas and you won £10 million on it?" I asked the lads at work today.

"2 million" said Dave, the Christian.

"1 million" said Sunil, the Hindu.

"I'd give you half the money," said Yossi the Jew.

"Really?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes," he replied "a ticket's a quid so I'd give you 50p."

Jenny namaste · Dec 28, 2012

> Subject: Nag Nag Nag
>
> An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
> of execution.
> His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
> feeling worn out and depressed.
>
> As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
> about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
> been?
> Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
>
> Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
> poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
> bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
> himself up the stairs.
>
> While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
> that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
> execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
>
> Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
> go up stairs and give him the good news.
>
> As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
> husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
> 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
>
> He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
> EVER STOP?!'
>

kindredspirit · Dec 28, 2012

(Runs for cover. )

kindredspirit · Dec 28, 2012

Would you like to be gay.

No problem.

kindredspirit · Dec 28, 2012

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A joke or two.

rustyroots Total Gardener

music Memories Are Made Of This.

music Memories Are Made Of This.

music Memories Are Made Of This.

mowgley Total Gardener

mowgley Total Gardener

JWK Gardener Staff Member

shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

mowgley Total Gardener

mowgley Total Gardener

mowgley Total Gardener

Jenny namaste Total Gardener

kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

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A joke or two.

rustyroots Total Gardener

music Memories Are Made Of This.

music Memories Are Made Of This.

music Memories Are Made Of This.

mowgley Total Gardener

mowgley Total Gardener

JWK Gardener Staff Member

shiney President, Grumpy Old Men's Club Staff Member

mowgley Total Gardener

mowgley Total Gardener

mowgley Total Gardener

Jenny namaste Total Gardener

kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

kindredspirit Gardening around a big Puddle. :)

A Joke Or Two 2023/24

A joke or two.... 2022

A joke or two.... 2021

Naughty Christmas Joke

Covid-19 Jokes Videos

Share This Page

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