A joke or two.

My Irish neighbour has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate.

I said to him, "I thought your cat died last week, Paddy?"

"It did," he replied, "That's why I'm missing him."

 

The girls might like this.

"I wrote to Santa asking for an intelligent, good looking, caring man. I Just received a letter back saying "Are you trying to be funny?" ♥ "

 

It all makes sense now.​

Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day.

Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

We've just been interpreting it wrong all along.​

 

Doctor Asks a Pregnant Prostitute,

"Do You Know Who The Father Is"?.

"For Goodness Sakes, If You Ate A Tin Of Beans"

"Would You Know Which One Made You Fart" ??..



Definitely My Last Joke This Year. (Thank God Says You)..

Happy Hogmanay.

 

David Cameron said today: "The country is moving in the right direction on the big issues."

Yes David, you've got more people selling them than ever before.

 

I don't want to think I'm getting old or anything,

but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.

 

Two old Gentlemen go out for a night on the town.

After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.
The madam takes one look at the two old guys and whispers to her manager.

"Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed",
"these two are too old and drunk ,I'm not wasting two of my girls on them,they wont know the difference"..

The manager does as he is told and the two old gents go upstairs and take care of their business.

Just before they go,the first gent tells his companion,--------
"You know ,I think my girl was dead".! .

"Dead ,says his friend,why do you say that?".

"Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her"!.

His friend says,"Could be worse,I think mine was a Witch" !!.

"A Witch ?,Why the hell would you say that?".


"Well, I was making love to her ,kissing her on the neck,
"And I gave her a little love bite",

"Then She Farted ,and flew out the window----------------------------------------,



" And Took My New Set Of Dentures With Her"

 

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh....

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the
floor laughing Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and
regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as
a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what
seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room

 

When love fades

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's
voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner my
Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, arsehole. I was talking to the cat."

 

Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."

Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

 

-------------------------WOMAN'S LIB-----------------------------------------------------------

A young couple,just married,were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

As they undressed for bed, the husband,who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride.
"Here",he said, "put these on".
She struggled into them and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your pants," she said,

"That's right !!!' and don't you forget it".
"I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!!!!!"

With that she flipped him her panties,

"You Put These On," she said.

He tried and found he could only get them up as far as his knee caps.

"Hell", he said," I Can't Get Into Your Panties !!!!!!".


"That's Right," she replied,






"And That's The Way It's Going To Be Until Your Goddamn Attitude Changes"

 

The PM faces a potential embarrassment after it emerged the Rail Minister Simon Burns takes a £80,000 a year chauffeured car to work rather than the train.

But in his defence, the poor guy probably just couldn't afford the fares!

 

My mate just said, "What's your favorite mythical creature?"

I said, "Those happy women in tampax adverts."

 

A Flat chested young lady went to Dr.Smith about enlarging her breasts without resorting to surgery.
Dr.Smith said "That would be no problem",and advised her.
"Every day after your shower,rub your chest and say,
"Scooby Doobie Doobies, I want bigger Boobies"!.

She did this faithfully for several months and to her utter amazement she grew terrific
D-Cup Boobs !!.

One morning she was running late for work,got on a crowded bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme,she gambled
that nobody would notice her in the crush and closed her eyes and murmured,
"Scooby Doobie Doobies,I want bigger Boobies".

The Guy standing beside her looked at her and asked,"Are you a patient of Dr.Smith".

"Yes I Am------- How did you know"????. He Winked and replied-------------


"Hickory Dickory Dock"..