A joke or two.

As I took the packet of rubbers up to the sales counter, I realised that the cashier was a very attractive blonde.

As she smiled at me and I handed them over, I felt myself blush.

I hate going to Staples!

 

Little Johnnie's father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie's dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don't make a bet with him you can't win. The teacher agreed. When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I'll make a bet with you,she replied ok what? Johnny said I'll bet you fifty pound iI can tell you what color panties you have on. she agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess. while Johnny and the class were at break, the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. when school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. so the teacher raised her dress and said no your wrong, I'm not wearing any. Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. so as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean she said Johnny bet me fifty quid he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off. The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred quid he could see your pussy before the end of the day.

 

(Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking).

Two Great White Sharks swimming in the Ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow Me Son",the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First We Swim around them a few times with all our fins showing",and they did.
"Now We Eat everybody",And they did.
When they were both gorged,the son asked,
"Dad,Why didn't we just eat them all at first?",
"Why did we swim around and around them ?",
The wise father replied,"Because they taste better without the sh*t inside"!!!!.

 

Two men in a Caravan Park were sitting around one afternoon,talking and having a few beers together.
After a few beers,the first guy says to the second,
"If I was to sneak over to your Caravan,Saturday,and made love to your wife while you were out fishing,and she got pregnant and had a baby,would that make us Kin"?.

The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute,scratched his head thinking real hard about the question.


"Well I don't know about Kin, but I reckon it would make us even" !!!.

 

"Jump in and I'll take you home," I said to my dwarf neighbour, who was sat at the bus stop today.

"piss off!" he replied.

"Suit yourself then," I said, as I straightened up my backpack and continued with my walk.

 

I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

 

Lady goes to the doctor complaining of a discharge.

"OK" says Doc, "Pop your knickers off and hop up on the couch."

As he's examining her internally he says "How does that feel?"

"Ooooh! Really lovely." she says "but the discharge is in my ear!"

 

My wife said to the Doctor, ' Every morning I wake up I look in the mirror and I'm violently sick,what can be wrong with me.

'After examining her the Doctor replied, ' Well,I can assure you there's nothing wrong with your eyesight . '

Rusty

 

How would you handle an angry Welsh cheese?

Caerphilly.

 

'On The First Day Of School,The Children Brought Gifts For Their Teacher'.

The Supermarket Manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The Florists son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The Candy store owners daughter gave the teacher a lovely box of Candy.
Then the Liquor store owners son brought up a big heavy box.

The Teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She Touched a drop of the liquid with her finger,and tasted it.

"Is It Wine?", she Guessed,

"No" The Boy Replied,

She tasted another drop and asked,

"Is It Whisky?",


"No" Said the little Boy------------------"It's A Puppy"...

 

I was walking down the road and saw my Afghan neighbour Abdul standing
on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him,
"What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

 

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband
gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it
on the pavement, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on
the end of your stick? That tapping sound is driving me crazy." The blind
man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be
on the bus, so shut up.

 

.RACISM.

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'Racism' these days.

A customer asked,"In what aisle could i find the Irish Sausage "?,
the assistant asks,"Are You Irish"?.
The guy,clearly offended says,"yes i am ,but let me ask you something",
If i had asked for Italian sausage,would you ask me if I was Italian"?

"Or if i had asked for German Bratwurst,would you ask me if i was German"?.
"Or if i asked for a Kosher hot dog,would you ask if i was Jewish"?,
"Or if i asked for a Taco ,would you ask if i was Mexican"?
"Or if i asked for Polish sausage,would you ask if i was Polish"?,

The Assistant says,"No I Probably Wouldn't",

The Guy Says ,"Well then just because I asked for Irish Sausage,why did you ask me if I was Irish"?

The Assistant Replied,

"Because You're In Halfords" .

 

An Elderly couple were watching a discovery channel special,about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age,a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening,as the husband was getting out of the shower,his wife looked at him and said,"How about we try the African string and weight procedure?".

The Husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later the wife asked the husband,"How is our little tribal experiment coming along ?"
"Well it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.

"WOW, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"






"No but it's turned Black Already" !!!!..