A joke or two.

( A PUN ).

King Ozymadias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites..

His Last great possession was the Star Of The Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the Ancient World.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the Pawnbroker,to ask him for a loan.

Croesus Said, "I'll give you 100,000 Dinars for it". .

"But I paid a million Dinars for it" the King protested, "Don't you know who I am?"
"I am The King !". .


Croesus Replied.


"When You Wish To Pawn A Star, Makes No Difference Who You Are". .

 

(Another Pun ).

Sue Wong Marries Lee Wong.

The Next year,the Wong's have a new Baby.

The nurse brings out a lovely,Healthy,Bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian,white baby boy.

"Congratulations" , says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr Wong, what will you and Mrs Wong name the baby?"

The Puzzled father looks at his new baby and say's,

"Well Two Wong's Don't Make A White",

"So I think we will name Him",

(ARE YOU READY FOR THIS),


'Sum Ting Wong'. ..

 

"My mum and dad's cat had 12 kittens today and they can't cope." my wife said. "Will you go round, put them in a sack and drown them in the canal?"

"I can't do that!" I said horrified. "Your mum yeah, but I quite like your dad."

 

A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies.

"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her £5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says,
"Nice horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!

 

A man's been hospitalised after eating a Tesco burger.
Initially it gave him the trots.
Now he's in a stable condition.

Rusty

 

Tesco, Lidl & Aldi's beefburgers ~ low in fat, high in Shergar.....

Rusty

 

I was asked what I had on my burger, I replied ' £5 each way'

 

A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right plonker on the bus this morning.

Rusty

 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge,"said the brain,"because I run all the body's systems,so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge " said the blood,"because I circulate oxygen all over,so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge",said the stomach",because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge",said the legs",because I carry the body wherever it needs to go".

"I should be in charge ,"said the eyes,because I allow the body to see where it goes".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum,"because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him,so in a huff,he shut down tight.

Within a few days,the brain had a terrible Headache.
The stomach was bloated.
The legs got wobbly.
The eyes got watery.
The blood was Toxic.

They all decided that the Rectum should be the boss.

The Moral Of The Story ??>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Even though the others do all the work>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>









The Ass Hole Is Usually In Charge.

 

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near the M6 Carnforth junction and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows on behalf of the R.S.P.B. and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.
However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.
The R.S.P.B. hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause after a 4 week study.
When crows eat road kill, they always set up another crow as a lookout in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the look-out crow could say "Cah", but it could not say "Truck."

 

When You Are Over Fifty Who Gives A Sh*t ?.

I was talking to a girl in the Bar last night,she said,

"If you lost a few pounds,had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right".

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of You".

 

I Went to the pub last night and saw a Fat chick Dancing on a table.

I said,"Nice Legs",

The girl giggled and said with a smile,

"Do You Really Think so" ?


I said "Definitely, Most Tables Would Have Collapsed By Now ". .

 

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.