A joke or two.

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A guy asked a girl in a University library:"do you mind if i sit beside you?".

The girl replied with a loud voice,
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU" !!!!!.

All the students in the library started staring at the guy,he was truly embarrassed.!!.

After a couple of minutes the girl walked quietly to the guys table and said >>>>
"I study psychology,and I know what a man is thinking,I guess you felt embarrassed,right ?".

The guy then responded with a loud voice:
" £400 FOR ONE NIGHT ?,THAT'S TOO MUCH !!!".

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear," I study law and I know how to screw people"..

 

Snow in Britain;
The only thing that settles here from off the continent that doesn't claim ******* benefits.

 

Hi John.
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now,that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs:the phone rings and I answer,the caller hangs up.
She goes out with her pals a lot,I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home,but I usually fall asleep.
Last night about midnight I hid in the boat shed.
When she came home she got out of someone's car,buttoned her blouse,she then took her panties out of her bag and slipped them on.
It was at that moment as I crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is this something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?.

 

There was a bit of confusion at the local sportswear store yesterday morning.
I selected a new jogging suit and went to the checkout.

As I placed the suit on the desk by the till,the cashier said,"Strip Down, Facing Me",
I did as she instructed.

When her hysterical shrieking finally subsided,

I found out that she was referring to my Credit Card.

They Really need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer..

 

(Registry on the first day back at school after the Holidays).
(The Temporary Teacher began calling out the names of the Pupils).

"Mustafa Al Eie Zeri " ? , "HERE MISS". Reply.

"Achmed El Kabul "?. , "HERE MISS". Reply.

"Fatima Al Hayek " ? , "HERE MISS". Reply.

"Ali Abdul Olmi" ? , "HERE MISS". Reply.

"Mohammed Bin Kadir"? , "HERE MISS". Reply.

"Ali Son Al Len" ? , Continued Silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said," sorry teacher,I think that's me ",

"It's pronounced Allison Allen"..

 

Vast swathes of countryside in Suffolk were splattered with stinking cow manure yesterday when a giant muck-spreader ran out of control, after the driver collapsed.
The massive muck-spreader, thought to be from Schittlodes Farm, Great Toddington, had set out with over 500 tons of liquid cow manure.
It crashed through hedges and gates, and even zig-zagged through quiet villages. One woman was splattered just as she came out of the hair-dressers. "I'd just had me hair dyed blonde," she cried.
Elsewhere, a couple of hikers sat huddled behind a stone wall to have their lunch-break. "I thought these marmite sandwiches tasted a bit funny," they said.
The giant muck-spreader finally spluttered to a halt when it overturned against the border with Norfolk, where muck-spreading has been banned.
The farm manager denies responsibility, and claims that "people have been spreading filthy rumours. They're just talking Schitt."

 

The popular 'How To Make One' series continues now, with a look at something 9 out of every 10 Americans have, and 97 out of every 100 Australians have - a swimming pool in the back garden!
Most people in Britain will be unfamiliar with the concept of having a pool in their garden; almost all will, however, have visited their local swimming baths for a swim, and to enjoy the experience of having fun splashing about in other people's pee.
It's not surprising, then, that many of us will, at some time in our long and miserable lives, consider copying our freaky American cousins and Aussie friends, and have an outside pool installed in our back gardens.
Of course, having a pool installed can be quite pricey; fees of £5000 are not uncommon, and few amongst us can afford to splash out (if you'll pardon the pun!) such a large amount of money in these Credit Crunch days.
That's why more and more people are making the commitment to put in a swimming pool themselves, rather than enlist the help of a true professional, who will, most likely, rip them off.
The first thing to consider when planning a pool, is 'have I got a garden?' This might seem an obvious one, but there are plenty of would-be builders who have started such a project, only to discover that they don't actually have a garden to put a pool in, and have been left with egg on ther faces.
Once you've got your garden, decide how big you want the pool, depending on how many people will be using it, whether or not you will be grazing animals in it, and how many bodies will you potentially end up burying in it.
Then, get a spade. You can get these from a local garden shop or, if you live near a town, try Wilkinson; they'll have one. When you've got your spade, dig a big hole. Try to keep the sides sheer, so that the pool has a realistic look, rather than that of a 'hole in the ground' which is suffering from subsidence. Your pool may, in time, actually suffer from subsidence, but you don't want to give it an unprofessional look right from the start.
As excavation progresses, you will, no doubt, be faced with the conundrum of where to put the earth that you have removed from the hole. This is easily resolved. Little by little, place spadefuls of earth in your next-door-neighbour's dustbin, or, if you think they are too stupid to notice - like mine were! - just throw it over the fence into their garden.
Another way of getting rid of the unwanted mud, is to carefully place some in each pocket, and to walk around the town centre, dropping it out of your pockets down your trouser leg, like the tunnel-diggers did in The Great Escape.
What a great film that was, wasn't it?
Anyway, once all the muck has been got rid of, you're ready to start filling it with water. Of course, if you live in the North, anywhere near Manchester or around the Lakes or Dales, your pool will have been filling up very nicely with rainwater as you were digging, but for residents of other areas, read on.
The best way to fill a pool, is to get local children to bring bucketloads of water from their homes, and to empty the water into your pool. This may seem daunting to them, but use your experience and charm, and tell them that they will be welcome to swim in the pool when it is ready. You can always tell them to "piss off" later.
Once the water is in, you can start to swim, but you may want to fit some steps for easy access to and from the pool. For this, have a look around your neighbours' gardens after dark, to see if they have any ladders laying about. They probably only use them infrequently for clearing out their gutters, so they probably won't realise they're missing. Push the feet of the ladders deep down into the soft mud at the bottom of your pool, and presto! You now have steps.
Your pool is ready to use! It's been a cheap and easy way to get the most from your back garden, and you can look forward to hours of fun splashing about with the kids. If you are the type of person who has an eye for a business venture, you could also allow other people to come and use your pool, for a small charge of course, but remember to leave a couple of old tyres somewhere nearby, in case one of your non-swimming customers falls in.
You wouldn't want a dead Chav on your conscience, would you?
Would you?
Or would you?

 

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Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.
Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the freedom she is experiencing.
Once again, the magnificent animal picks up speed except this time her inexperience gets the better of her. She finds herself barely able to hang on.
The startled horse is now in a dead run and the beautiful blonde finds herself hanging off to one side of the horse, her head just inches from the ground... catastrophe seconds away.
She begins to frantically scream for help when all of a sudden.........
Frank, the Tesco door man, calmly walks up and unplugs the ride.

 

Tesco have announced a new 'zero tolerance policy' to any more customers pitching up to the meat counter and telling the butcher that they "are so hungry they could eat a horse"

 

Amsterdam is a lot like the Tour de France.

It's just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.

 

David Cameron calls for UK referendum on EU membership...

If we do decide to leave Europe, I hope we move somewhere warmer.

 

In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "give me your phone number sexy". I said "have you got a pen''. She smiled and said "yes". I said "well get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".

Rusty

 

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from tesco. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Rusty

 

He Was In Ecstasy,with a huge smile on his face,as his wife moved forwards,then backwards,forwards,then backwards.
Again----back and forth---back and forth--in and out---in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts,and trickling down the small of her back,she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding---her face flushed---then she moaned,softly at first,then began to groan louder.

Finally,Totally exhausted, she let out an Almighty scream,and shouted.










"OK,OK !, I Can't Park The Car !!!, You Do It You Smug B**TARD!!!!!..