A joke or two.

from 50 shades.....

He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he
savoured
the moment.
His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards
again...
and again....and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and
out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and
gently trying to draw in and use every inch.

Her heart was pounding...pounding that she felt it would burst from her
chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with
perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to
groan louder and louder and louder. Till finally and totally exhausted,
she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very
core
and she shuddered to a sudden halt.
Her whole body was taught and stretched her face like crimson, finally
gasping for every breath she said .......

"OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T park the fu..ing car!!!!

You do it ..... you SMUG

 

I hope you all get this one.



Barry walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.

'Tiny', answers Barry.
'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid.
'Because he's my newt' concludes Barry.

 

Went Out Last Night And Got Really Wasted.
I Woke up in the middle of the night,next to some chick who was snoring and Breaking Wind.
So I new I Had Made it Home OK!!..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Other Night ,my wife asked me how many women I had slept with,

I told her ,"Only You",

"All the others Kept Me Awake All Night" .

 

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks
- I'm not going that far."

 

What's another word for Thesaurus?

 

"Barrel of Talent".

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author now
attends NYU.

ESSAY QUESTION

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
| IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE |
| APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE |
| THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU |
| HAVE REALISED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? |
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
refugees, I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute
brownies in 20 minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an
outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I
play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of
numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in
my yard. I enjoy urban hang-gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been
caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured
New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several cover operations for the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply
to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played
Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet been to college.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Question (1).

If you knew a woman who was pregnant,who had eight kids already,three who were deaf, two who were blind,one mentally retarded and she had syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an Abortion ?.

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.


(Question (2).

It is time to elect a new world leader,and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.

(Candidate A).


Associates with crooked politicians and consults with Astrologists---He's had two mistresses,he also chain smokes,and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a Day.


(Candidate B ).

He was kicked out of office twice,sleeps till noon, used Opium in College and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.


(Candidate C ).


He is a decorated war hero, he's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,drinks an occasional beer,and never committed adultery.

Which of these Candidates would be your choice ?
Decide First---No Peeking,and then Scroll Down for the response.





Candidate (A) Is Franklin D Roosevelt.

Candidate (B) Is Winston Churchill.

Candidate (C) Is Adolf Hitler.


And by the way,on your answer to the abortion question:: If You Said Yes,

You Just Killed Beethoven.


Pretty Interesting ,Isn't It, it makes a person think before judging someone.


Remember Amateurs----- Built The Ark.

Professionals-----Built The Titanic.

 

Life sucks, I lent a guy ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now I
don't know what he looks like.

 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages
though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,"
he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form
a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

 

A Woman goes out shopping with her husband and spies a pair of boots she loves.

The husband says:"No chance love,they're way too expensive".

Later on in bed,the wife is just about falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip.

She turns to him and says:"I don't think so mate,

"If you're not prepared to shoe the horse, then you sure as hell",

"Ain't riding it" !!..

 

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex !
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband !
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

 

A Dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks,

"I know you are very busy but do you treat dwarves"?,

The Doctor replies, "Yes,but you will have to be a little patient"..

 

There once was a little green man living in a little green house
on the top of a little green hill. One day the little green man
wanted to take a bath so he went and took his little green bottle
of shampoo and his little green bar of soap and also his little
green towel and into his little green bathroom he went. As he took
off his little green shirt and his little green pair of shorts, he
stepped under his little green tap and started to bathe.

Just then a saleswoman came to the front of the little green
man's house and rang on his little green bell. "Ding Dong". The
little green man heard his little green bell and he thought that
his pizza had arrived so he hastily took his little green towel,
wrapped it around his little green waist and rushed to the door.

As he opened his little green door, his little green towel came
undone, and dropped unto his little green doormat, exposing his
little green, uh...never mind. The saleswoman gave a shriek and
rushed out of the little green house. In all her haste and all
her horror, she did not see the truck coming at 180 km/h which
struck her, killing her on the spot.

QUESTION: What's the Moral of this Story?
















ANSWER: DON'T cross the road when the green man is flashing
--------------------------------------------------

 

They had to get a translator in at the benefits office today.

Somebody came in speaking English.

 

In a dark and hazy room,peering into a crystal ball,the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this",
"so I'll just be blunt",
"Prepare yourself to be a widow",
"your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year".

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face,then at the single flickering candle,then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing,she simply had to know.
She met the fortune tellers gaze,steadied her voice and asked,












"Will I Be Acquitted ?".