A joke or two.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

 

One evening a man was at home watching T/V and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air and catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one,his wife asked him a question and he turned to answer her and a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He called for his wife for assistance,and after much trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door,their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem,their daughters date said he could get the peanut out.


The young man told the father to sit down then proceeded to shove two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew,the peanut flew out of his ear.

The Mother and Daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone,the mother turned to the father and said,
"That's so wonderful, isn't he smart?",
"what do you think he's going to be when he grows older?".

The father replied::::

"From the smell of his Fingers, I'd Say , Our Son-In-Law.

 

A woman went to the doctor,worried about her husbands temper.
The doctor asked:"So what seems to be the problem?".
The woman said:"Doctor I don't know what to do,every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all,it's starting to scare me".

The doctor told her,"I think I have just the cure for that,when it seems your husband is getting angry,just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth"

"Just swish,and swish,but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed".

Two weeks later,the woman returns ,looking Fresh and Reborn.

The woman said:"doctor,that was a brilliant idea !, every time my husband started to lose it,I swished with water,I swished and swished and he calmed right down !
How,How does a glass of water do that ?".

The doctor informed her:"It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick"..

 

----------------------------- Claude The Hypnotist -------------------------------------.

It was Entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance,I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience".

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch,it's a very special watch it's been in my family for six generations".
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off
it's polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, the chain broke.
It slipped from the hypnotists fingers and fell on the floor,breaking into a hundred pieces.






-----"moo poo " said the hypnotist,








Claude was never invited back.





It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre .

 

As I think most of you know by this time,with my past posts over the years ,that I play Guitar,I also Play Bagpipes.

As a Bagpiper I play Many Gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a Grave side service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends,so the service was to be at a Paupers Cemetery in the Highlands. As I was not familiar with the Highlands,I got lost: and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy evidently gone and the hearse was no where in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left,and they were eating lunch.

I felt so badly and apologized to the men for being so late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down ,and the Vault lid was already in place,I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I Played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

As I played,'Amazing Grace',the workers began to weep.They wept,I wept,We all Wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car,
I heard one of the workers say:

"Sweet Mother Of Jesus,I never seen nothing like that before"!!!,
"And I've been putting in Septic Tanks For Twenty Years". Music

 

Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave. Blair was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you, Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go right ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like".

 

Well, the Argentinians predict they will have the Falklands back in 20 years...

...which is funny, because I saw a BP report saying they'd get the oil out in 19.....

 

I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.

"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.

Everyone gasped in horror, and the
girl slapped me.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

 

An elderly British gentleman of 88 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. 'You have been to France before, Monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready,' the customs officer said.
The elderly gentleman replied, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible! said the snardy garlic munching ****, The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France !'
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained;
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any loving Frenchmen to show it to...!

 

A Lady inserted an advert in the classifieds :
"Husband Wanted".
Next Day She Received A Hundred Letters, They All Said The Same thing,
"You Can Have Mine".
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(A Woman's Prayer).
"Dear Lord, I Pray For :Wisdom,To Understand A Man, To Love And Forgive Him, And For Patience For His Moods",
"Because Lord, If I Pray For Strength"

"I'll Just Beat Him To Death"!!!!!!.

 

New advert for Findus...Spagetti Bologneighs.

 

Labour claim that some Tory speeches that claimed to be 100% bull's manure were actually 87% horseshit.

 

My usual source met me outside Ladbrokes.

"Ok," he said, "I've got three for you. Long Tall Sally. 2 year old gelding. Good over the jumps. Won twice at Kempton last month. Soldier Boy, great on the flat. 3 year old, came second at Epsom in the 1,000 Guineas. And then there's Mine's a Pint. Lovely 3 year old filly. Promising, not won anything but good in the wet."

"Hmm." I said. "I'll go for Soldier Boy. £8,000 as usual."

I never realised it would involve so much gambling being an area manager for Findus.

 

Birds Eye Fish Fingers - From The Captains Table.

Findus Lasagne - From The Captains Stable..