A joke or two.

My Doctor Advised Me To Watch What I Eat.

So I Booked Tickets For The Grand National..

 

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the High St, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald",he said sternly,"This is no place for a member of my congregation,
"why don't you let me take you home".
"Sure", she said with a slur.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to stagger,the Reverend realized that she had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her.
When he did ,they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor and the Reverend
finished up landing on top of Miss Fitzgerald.

The Pub Barkeeper looked over and said,"OY MATE, We Wont Have Any Of That Carrying On In THIS PUB"!!.
The Reverend looked up at the Landlord and said,

"But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff" !!.

The Barkeeper said,


"Ah Well,If You're That Far You Might As Well Finish".

 

A crusty old marine captain found himself at a Gala Event hosted by the Local Liberal Arts College.
There was no shortage of extremely idealistic young ladies in attendance,one of whom approached him.

"Excuse me Captain,but you seem a very serious man,is something bothering you"?.

"Negative Ma'am, just serious by nature".

The young lady looked at all of his awards and decorations and said,
"It seems like you have seen a lot of action".
"Yes Ma'am, a lot of action".


The young lady tired of trying to start a conversation said,
"You know,you should lighten up a bit,relax and enjoy yourself".
The captain just stared at her in his serious manner.


Finally,the young lady said,"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when was the last time you had sex"?.
"1955 Ma'am".
"Well there you are then,no wonder you're so serious,no sex since 1955"
She took his hand and led him into a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards ,panting for breath,she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"WOW! you sure didn't forget much since 1955,did you"?.

The captain said,after glancing at his watch






"I hope not Ma'am, it's only 2130 now". !!!!!.

 

I see China has jumped on the band wagon

Their Mc Donalds are selling Quarter Pandas . .

 

How many times have we all said, "I'm starving, I could eat a horse"

Now we're all f****** moaning about it!

 

Travelling by car on holiday, I had to stop for the toilet at a Roadside Restaurant.

I entered the second toilet Cubicle and Snibbed the door and sat down,then I heard
voice asking," HI ,HOW ARE YOU" ?.

I'm not the type to start a conversation in cubicle toilets,and I don't know what got into me,but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "DOING JUST FINE" !!..

The Other Person Say's,

"SO WHAT ARE YOU UP TO"?.

What kind of question is that ,I'm thinking, Bizarre, I reply-----

"UHHH,I'm just like you Travelling".

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can,when I hear another question,
"CAN I COME OVER ?".

This question is just too weird for me ,but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation, I answered " NO, I'M A LITTLE BUSY JUST NOW!!.

Then I hear the person say nervously," Listen,I'll have to call you back,
There's AN IDIOT IN THE OTHER CUBICLE WHO KEEPS ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS..

CELL PHONES, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM ..

 

My wife is the worst cook in the world.

After dinner; I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

 

Riley asks Murphy "why do scuba divers always fall off their boats
backwards?"

To which Murphy replies "You thick or what Riley? if they fell forwards
they'd still be on the boat"

 

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by
the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and
listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old car gearbox here, give
me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a
rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up
to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a
hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible.

I had him chained to a gearbox!

 

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

 

My wife and I regularly have arguments over the common name of the castanea sativa, a species of deciduous tree with an edible seed originally native to southeastern Europe and Asia Minor...................Not that old chestnut again.

 

I've Often Been Asked,

"What do you old folks do now that you're Retired ?".

Well I Am Fortunate to have a Chemical Engineering Background, and one of the things I enjoy most::::

Is Turning Beer, Wine , And Scotch into Urine . ,..

 

A Man was seen sitting on the Kerb crying,
Another man went up to him and asked what the problem was.

The Crying man replied,"I've just come from the Doctors, and he's put me on these pills that I have to take every day for the rest of my life".

"Oh That's Nothing to cry about, there's thousands of people who have to take pills for the rest of their lives".


"You Don't Understand, He's only given me three" !!.

 

A Small Boy was lost at a Large shopping Mall.

He Approached a Policeman and said,

"I've Lost My Grandpa"!,

"The Policeman asks, "What's He Like"?.

The Little Boy Hesitated for a moment and then replied,



"Bells And Grouse Whiskey And Women With Big Bazookas".