A joke or two.

Um, should I take this as a timeous warning?

Senior Motel Moment​

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone book for escorts and sensual massages.” She looked through the phone book, found a full page advert for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.​

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum…….
She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.

“Good evening ma’am, how may I help you?” (Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!)

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”



He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

 

Amazon are selling a book called "Test Your Dog's IQ."

Presumably, if you buy it, it's considerably higher than your own.

 

New food contamination scandal.

Aunt Bessie's Yorkshire puddings found to contain Uncle Bens DNA.

 

A Married man was having an affair with his Secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all Afternoon.
Exhausted,they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where the hell have you been",his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my Secretary",
"We had sex all Afternoon".

She looked down at his shoes and said, "You Lying Swine,"



"You've Been Playing Golf"!!!. .

 

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to
reveal the nicknames they had for their wives:
Best call was from the brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman" -
explaining ... "Absolutely no interest for 36 months"

 

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head
with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

 

Comic relief this year should be interesting.

"Please give just £5 to help Africa. With your help we can get them to tell the difference between an intruder and their bleedin missus."

 

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints.

 

--------------------------The Italian Funeral Dog----------------------------------.

An Italian man on a Business trip was leaving a convenience store with his Espresso when he noticed a strange Italian Funeral Procession on it's way to a nearby Cemetery.
A Black Hearse was closely followed by a second Black Hearse.
Behind the second Black Hearse was a solitary man walking a large dog on a leash.
Behind him were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Visitor couldn't contain his curiosity,
He respectfully approached the Italian man leading the dog and said,
"I am sorry for your loss,and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Funeral Procession like this",

"Whose Funeral Is It?".

"My Wife's".

"What Happened To Her ?"

"She Yelled At Me And My Dog Attacked And Killed Her",

He Inquired Further.

"But Who Is In The Second Hearse ?".

The Italian Man Answered, " My mother-in- law,she was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and killed her as well".

A Very touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silent understanding passed between the two men----------------.

The Visitor asked,
"Can I Borrow The Dog?"

The Italian with the dog replied,








"Get To The End Of The Line".

 

Paddy goes to an interview for a job.The interviewer asks Paddy"What's your greatest weakness?".
"Honesty." replies Paddy.''I don't think honesty is a weakness" says the interviewer." "I don't give a f*** what you think"replies Paddy.

 

------------------------------AN AUSTRALIAN WISH---------------------------------------------.

A man was riding his Harley Davidson along a Victoria Beach,when suddenly the sky clouded above, and in a booming voice, God Said:

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways,I will grant you one wish".

The biker stopped and said: "Build a bridge to Tasmania so I can ride over any time I want".

God Replied: "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific ,and the concrete and steel it would take !!, I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for Worldly things".
"If you could take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind".

The biker thought about it for a long time,finally he said,

"God I wish that I and all men could understand Women",

"I want to know how she feels inside",

"What she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment",

"Why she cries when she says nothing is wrong",

"Why she snaps and complains when I try to help",

"How can I make a Woman Truly Happy"?????.










God replied:" Do You Want Two Lanes Or Four On That Bridge .

 

(Now That I'm Older Here's What I've Discovered ).

(1) I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

(2) My wild oats have turned into Prunes and All-Bran.

(3) I finally got my head together,and now my body is falling apart.

(4) If all is not lost, where is it ?.

(5) I wish the buck stopped here,I sure could use a few.

(6) Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

(7) Accidents in the back seat cause Kids.

(8) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

(9) When I'm finally holding all the cards why does everyone want to play chess?.

(10) It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser..