A joke or two.

My Girlfriend,Being the Romantic sort just sent me a Text---------------------------.

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams".

"If you are laughing, send me your smile".

"If you are eating, send me a bite".

"If you are drinking,send me a sip.

"If you are crying, send me your tears, I Love You Darling, xxxx.

I Replied-----------------------------------.

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"I'm Having A Sh*t, What should I do?". .

 

Two students were Biking in the country,when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike,I thought you were broke?".

The Second student replied. "Well yesterday I was sunbathing on that grassy verge by the river, minding my own business,when a beautiful woman rode up on this Bike,
threw it to the ground,took off all her clothes and said,"TAKE WHAT YOU WANT".

The first Student nodded approvingly and said, "Good Choice:

"The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway".

 

South African police have installed state of the art technology outside the bail address of Oscar Pistorius to ensure he doesn't leave.

A cattle grid.

 

Fears of an expected surge of millions of Romanians into the UK have abated as we have eaten all of their transport!

 

"If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?

 

Iain Duncan-Smith:
In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.

I think he's referring to Buckingham Palace!

 

My wife came home to find me in the kitchen cooking a lovely dinner, candle lit on the table and place settings for two. "Oh this is a surprise," she said.

"Too f***ing right it is," I replied, "I didn't expect you back till Monday."

 

Prince Charles has no hope of finding out how his mother is.
Whenever he rings up the Hospital now they just hang up on him.

 

Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.

The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.

"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?"

 

Two Red necks are on holiday in Amsterdam and visit a brothel.

"Have you got a fat, ginger bird with no teeth, a heroin addiction and a minge like a vandalised bus seat?" they ask.

"You boys are really kinky," says the madam.

"Are we fu**!" they reply. "We're looking for our mum."

 

(What Part Of Your Body Goes To Heaven First?).

The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,

"When you die and go to heaven--------Which Part Of Your Body Goes First ?"

Suzy raised her hand and said,"I think it's your hands".

"Why do you think it's your hands Suzy ?"

Suzy Replied, "Because when you pray ,you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first".

"What a wonderful answer !" the Nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said,"Sister I think it's your Feet".

The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now Johnny,why do you think it would be your feet?".

Little Johnny Said,

"Well I walked into Mum and Dads bedroom the other night",

"Mum had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying",

"Oh God, I'm Coming",



Iv'e Got To Tell You,



"If Dad Hadn't pinned her down,We'd have Lost Her" ..


(THE NUN FAINTED)..

 

Buying a Lasagne in Britain is a lot like trying to pick out a prostitute in Thailand.

You know some of them are going to contain some unwanted meat.

 

The South African police have said that Oscar Pistorius may get the electric chair.

If you ask me he was dangerous enough on a pair of stilts, never mind giving him a mobility scooter.