A joke or two.

University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol = Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol = Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

 

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was "where do women mostly have curly hair?"
Apparently, it's Africa !

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Scousers is not a correct answer!

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker!

 

I had a very funny file on my computer but..................

 

Finally, a gifted blonde!!!!

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks for the loans dept.
She says she´s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow £5000

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Rolls as collateral against a £5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank´s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £141.66.

The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blond replies ... "Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a gifted blonde!!!!

..............................................................

The African Visitor
An African chieftain flew to London to visit the Queen.

When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him.

One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises .... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" ... and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit Scotland while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises ... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" ... and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit Scotland

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.

The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z ... BBC on the short-wave radio."

 

Did you hear the one about the skinny guy in Speedos who was trying to pull the birds on the beach. Not having any success he went up to the muscular lifeguard that evening for advice as he had seen him surrounded by dollies all day.

The lifeguard advised him to stick a couple of potatoes down his speedos and all would be well the following day. He did this next morning but every bird who walked past him looked at him in disgust and walked quickly away.

So he went to the lifeguard again that evening and explained what had been happening.

The lifeguard took one look and said "You idiot! You're supposed to stick the potatoes down the front NOT the back!"

 

How smart is Your Right Foot ? ?

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon............ This will
boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you
can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's preprogrammed in your brain!

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY.....) and
while sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift
your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right
hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing
you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the
day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.

 

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.

That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........

Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before.

 

An Old Pilot sat down at Starbucks and ordered a coffee. As he sipped his coffee a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the Pilot and asked, "Are You A Real Pilot ?".
He replied "well i've spent my whole life flying Biplanes,Cubs,Aeroncas and Neiuports"
I flew in ww11 in a B-29 and later in the Korean conflict taught 50 people to fly,and gave rides
to hundreds,so i guess i am a Pilot".
She Said " i'm a Lesbian". "I spend all day thinking about naked women, as soon as i get up in the morning,i think about naked women,when i shower i think about naked women,when i watch t/v,i think about naked women.

The Two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked.

"So are you a real Pilot?"
The old Pilot replied " I always thought i was ",



" But I've Just Found Out, I'M A LESBIAN ".:WINK1:.

 

Bill And Blanche..

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year,
and every year Bill would say"Blanche I'd like to ride in that Helicopter"
Blanche always Replied,
"I know Bill,but that Helicopter ride is twenty Quid,
and twenty Quid is twenty Quid !"
One year Bill And Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
"Blanche , I'm 75 years old",
If I don't ride that Helicopter, I might never get another chance",
To this Blanche replied,
"Bill That Helicopter ride is twenty Quid,
and twenty Quid is twenty Quid",
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal, I'll take the both of you for a ride"
"If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say one word",
"I won't charge you a penny!"
" but if you say one word It's Twenty Quid".
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went,
the pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres,
and not a word was heard,
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
but still not a word.
When they landed the pilot turned to bill and said,
"By Golly,I did everything I could to get you to ,
yell out, but you didn't, I'm Impressed"..

Bill Replied,

"I Almost Said Something When Blanche Fell Out",

" But You Know",


"Twenty Quid Is Twenty Quid "!!!!!!!!.:WINK1:.

 

I've just tried that on an Evil Podiatrist and it works

 

The Wife and I were at home watching T/V.
I had the remote and was switching back and forth,between a fishing channel and a porn channel,
She became more and more annoyed and finally said,
"For Gods Sake ! Leave It On The Porn Channel !"


"You Already Know How To Fish":WINK1:.

 

Every Day, A Male Employee Walks up very close to a female Colleague at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that Her Hair Smells Nice.

After a week of this, the woman cant stand it Any more.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a Sexual Harassment
Grievance against the man.

The Supervisor is Puzzled and asks,

"What's Threatening about a Colleague Telling you ,Your Hair Smells Nice" ??????.

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" It's Frank ---------------------------------------------- THE MIDGET.!!!!!.