A joke or two.

Me and the wife have invented a collision avoidance system for our car.

I'm calling it the iDrive.

 

So, Pope Francis only has one lung.

He may not be able to give a very powerful public address, but at least the choir boys can outrun him.

 

How to make a Scottish Omellette. First borrow two eggs !

A big rough lorry driver goes into a truck stop caff for his lunch and decides to start with 'Soup of the day', he orders it and when the waitress delivers his soup he sees she has her thumb in the soup. Hey, he says "Your thumb is in my soup". The waitress says "Yes, I have arthritis in this joint" pointing to her thumb.

"I can tell you where to stuff your thumb" says the lorry driver a little miffed.

The waitress said "I do, when I'm not serving the soup".

Cheers, Tony.

 

I Love My Job!

The Lost Dr Seuss Poem
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, she is the best!
I love her boss and all the rest.

I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!

 

Ironic, isn't it? Pope Francis is against the use of condoms but his name is an anagram of 'cap for penis'

God works in mysterious ways

 

"I'm growing Potatoes"

"What variety?"

"Kestrel"

"Are those the ones that only grow at night?"

"Eh?"

"Kestrel Manoeuvres in the Dark."

 

She Married and had 13 children, then her first husband died.

She Married again,and had 7 more children,again her husband died.

She Married a third time and had 5 more children.

After a long life,she finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the Priest prayed for her,
he thanked The Lord for this for this Very Loving woman and said,

"LORD THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER".

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,

"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?".













The friend replied," I think he means her Legs" !!!. .

 

Two Girls share a flat.

One says to the other she's worried about her small breasts,and says she wishes she could do something to make them bigger.

The other suggests she gets some Tissues and wipes between her breasts with them.

The Girl asks," Will that make them bigger?"




The other says, "Well It Worked For Your Bum Didn't It !!!"..

 

( A NEW SEX STUDY).



It has been determined that the most common Sexual position for married couples is the-------- Doggie Style.




The Husband Sits Up And Begs,



The Wife Rolls Over And Plays Dead..

 

Loving husband brings on his way to bed brings a nice cold glass of water and a bottle of asprine to his sweet wife. He says here honey is your asprine. She says, but I don't have a headache.

 

Pope Francis seems to believe the Falklands belong to Argentina.

Well, it's hardly surprising for a man in his 70s who has chosen an imaginary friend as his boss - if you've gone that far, you can probably believe anything.

 

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10.00pm news was coming on.


The news crew was covering the story of a man on top of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said, "You know, I bet he will jump."


The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."


Bob placed a 20 euro bill on the bar and said, "You're on!". Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.


The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her 20 euros to Bob - "Fair's fair. Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5.00pm news, so I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied, "Well I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

 

Teacher: Now then class, let's do some simple sums.
I give you £10 and you take a £1. What do I have?

Little Johnny: A bank account in Cyprus, Miss.

 

Sarah the sexy Secretary walked into her boss's office and said,

"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you".

"Sarah Honey,why do you always have to give me bad news?",he complained,
"Tell me some good news for once".

"All right, here's some Good news", said the Secretary



"Your Not Sterile"..

 

A Bloke was sitting on a bus,when a Gorgeous woman sitting next to him starts breastfeeding her Baby.

The baby won't take it so she says,"Come on ,eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here".

Ten minutes later the baby is still not feeding,so she says again.

"Come on now ,Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here".


The Bloke says, "Listen Love,can you make up your mind",


"I Should have got off four stops ago"..