A joke or two.

The residents of Cyprus are protesting in the streets because the government are going to start taking money straight out of their bank accounts

I've had a similar problem like that for many years now

It's called a WIFE

 

After the parliamentary expenses scandal was revealed in the newspapers David Cameron, Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg all pledged to ensure that it could never happen again.

And this week they delivered- and set up a press regulator.

 

I seen a status on Facebook today that said, "I'm jobless and totally unemployable."

But they'd spelt it "Jus sitin down wit a cupa to wach jezza Kyle"

 

I'm not completely sure this is a joke! (My favourites are surrealism and the Italians):
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
... You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

 

A Frustrated Wife buys a pair of Crotchless Panties in an attempt to Spice up her dead Sex Life.

She puts them on ,together with a short skirt and sits on the Sofa opposite her husband.

At Strategic Moments she uncrosses her legs, enough times till her husband says---


"Are You Wearing Crotchless Panties?"..


"Y-E-S," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God For That-------- "

"I thought you were sitting on the Cat" !!!!!!!..



His Funeral Is On Saturday.

 

Russian President Vladimir Putin has been nominated for a Nobel prize in Medicine for his work on clinical depression.

Apparently he can predict who will commit suicide the next week in London by just picking up his phone.

 

Subject: Fw: Fwd: Today is: "Let's Pick on France" day





Legendary quotes on [B][FONT=tahoma]France[/FONT][/B]
[SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma][/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]France[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]France[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] has usually been governed by prostitutes.'

Mark Twain

------------------------------

'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'

General George S. Patton

------------------------------

'Going to war without [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]France[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'

Norman Schwartzkopf

------------------------------

'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'

Marge Simpson

------------------------------

'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'

Jacques Chirac, President of [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]France[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]

------------------------------

'The only time [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]France[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Paris[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] sipping coffee.'

Regis Philbin

------------------------------

'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'

John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona

------------------------------

'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'

David Letterman

------------------------------

'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Canada[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] .'

Ted Nugent

------------------------------

'War without [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]France[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] would be like ... World War II.'

Unknown

------------------------------

'The favourite bumper sticker in [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Washington[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]D.C.[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] right now is one that says 'First [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Iraq[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] , then France .''

Tom Brokaw

------------------------------

'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'

Dennis Miller

------------------------------

'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'

Alan Kent

-----------------------------

'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'

Argus [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Hamilton[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]

------------------------------

'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

-----------------------------

'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Iraq[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] '

Dennis Miller

------------------------------

Q. What did the mayor of [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Paris[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

-----------------------------

'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Paris[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'

Rep. R. Blount, MO

------------------------------

'Do you know it only took [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]Germany[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] three days to conquer [/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma]France[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE][SIZE=6][FONT=Tahoma][B][FONT=tahoma] in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

------------------------------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.[/FONT][/B][/FONT][/SIZE]

 

Someone asked me, "Now that you're retired do you still have something to occupy your time?".

I replied, " Yes I am my wife's Sexual Counsellor".

Somewhat shocked,they said, "I beg your pardon,but what do you mean by that?".


"Very simple,the wife has told me that when she wants my f***ing advice she'll ask me for it".

 

This year I hosted a Christmas Dinner for the family and everyone was encouraged to bring all the children including Grandchildren.

During Dinner,my five year old Granddaughter stared at me, sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.I checked my shirt for spots,felt my face for food,patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me,I finally asked her.
"Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet waiting for her response. My little Granddaughter said,

"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish".

 

Chap walks into a Bar.
The Barman says , "Is that a steering wheel sticking out of your Trousers?".

Chap replies, "Yes It's Driving Me Nuts". boom boom. .

 

I Know I'm never going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, Rip the hair out by the root,

And still be afraid of a Spider. .

 

Abu Qatada joins Alex Reid, Peter Andre and Leandro in the long list of blokes who refuse to go back to Jordan.