A joke or two.

I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.

"Well, I can't afford anything anymore so I've had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and had to cut down on fags to 20 a week" he sighed.

"Because of the recession?" I asked.

"No" he replied. "I've been forced off benefits and made to get a f***ing job."

 

Bill Gates is offering $1 million to whoever designs the "next generation" condom.

With Windows track record of keeping out viruses, i'm staying well away.

 

(The Light's Are On But There's Nobody Home)..

(BBC NORFOLK).

Stewart White: " Who had a worldwide hit with 'What A Wonderful World"?.

Contestant: "I don't know".

Stewart White :, "I'll give you some clues".

"What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?".

Contestant: "Arm"

Stewart White :"Correct, and if you're not weak, you're ?",

Contestant: "Strong".

Stewart White :" Correct, and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?",

Contestant: "Louis".

Stewart White:, " Well there we are then, so who had the worldwide hit with the song 'What A Wonderful World"?.


Contestant :" Frank Sinatra" ???. .

 

(The Weakest Link BBC2 ).

Anne Robinson : " Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler And Jeffrey Archer have written books about their experiences In What ?",

"Prison, or the Conservative Party?".

Contestant:, " The Conservative Party"..

 

Pakistani schoolgirl Malala Yousafzai, who survived being shot by the Taliban in October, has signed a book deal worth about 2 million pounds.

The working title is - 'I need Islam like a hole in the head.'

 

"82 year old famous Australian entertainer living in Berkshire arrested in Savile investigation".

Might as well have just given him a codename of Holf Rarris.

 

(Today's Short Reading From The Bible-------From Genesis).

"And God Promised Men that Good and Obedient Wives would be found in all the corners of the Earth".



Then He Made The Earth Round--------------------------------------.



And Then He Laughed And Laughed And Laughed And Laughed..

 

Woman Pushing a pram with a Big Bonny Baby in it, screaming his head off,


Passer By Says, " He's Lovely ---Bawls Like A Bull".


Woman Says, "So Has His Father !!!!"..

 

Three henpecked builders working on a brand new skyscraper stop for lunch to eat their sarnies. One says, 'I bet its pork luncheon meat, I'm sick of pork luncheon meat. Every flipping day its pork luncheon meat,. If its pork luncheon meat today I'm throwing myself off here cos I've had enough'. He opens his bait box, peels back a slice of bread, and there it is, pork luncheon meat. True to his word, he throws himself off the high rise scaffold.

The second bloke says to his remaining mate. 'I bet its ham. Its always ham. If its ham I'm off'. He opens his bait box, sure enough, ham sarnies. He throws himself off.

The last bloke thinks to himself. 'I hate cheese sarnies. I've always hated cheese sarnies. If its cheese, I'm off'. He has a look, its cheese. He throws himself off.

The three mourning widows are trying to console each other. The first says, 'I don't get it, I just don't understand, he loved pork luncheon meat'. The second replies 'Same here, mine loved ham. He always wanted ham. He would tell me how much he enjoyed it'. The third replied, 'Well I just don't know what mine liked, he always made his own'.

 

For Thirty years Smith arrived at work at 9 Am on the dot.
He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently,when on one particular day, 9 Am passed without Smiths Arrival.

It caused a sensation, all work ceased, and the boss himself,looking at his watch and muttering, came into the corridor.

Finally at exactly 10 Am, Smith showed up.

His clothes were dusty and torn, his face was scratched and bruised,his glasses bent.
He limped painfully to the time clock,punched in and said.

" I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the Subway, Nearly killed myself".



The boss said,


"And To Roll Down Two Flights Of Stairs Took You A Whole Hour".

 

My new colleagues really take April Fool's day seriously.

Five hours I've been in the office now and they're still all hiding.

 

Pure true! Overheard in a Liverpool pub.

Eh, Mike.
Wha'?
I luvs you, Mike.
Yeah? How much d'yeh luv me?
Well, if I 'ad two 'ouses, I'd give yez one.
Yeah?
Yeah. An' if I 'ad two carz, I'd give yez one.
Yeah?
Yeah.
And wha' if yez 'ad two bikes.
Yeh b*stard! Yeh know I've got two bikes!!

 

A police officer is claiming compensation from a garage owner,
after injuring herself tripping over a kerb.
I hope the judge awards her £20 so she can get her loving eyes tested!

 

( NEWS FLASH).

"The Ferrari F1 Team Fired Their Entire Pit Crew Yesterday".

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British Governments,' Work For Your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with Millions of pounds worth of High Tech Equipment .

It was thought to be an excellent bold move by the Ferrari Management Team,as most races are won and lost in the Pits thus giving Ferrari an advantage over every other Team.

However,Ferrari got more than they bargained for !!!!!.

At the crews first practice session not only was the Scouse Pit Crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had Re-Sprayed,
Re-Badged and sold the car to the Mc Claren Team for 8 Cases of Stella,A bag of Weed and some Photos of Lewis Hamilton's Bird In The Shower..