A joke or two.

I don't think Kim Jong-Un is the problem.
I'm worried about his military advisors
Kil Yan Kee, Noo Kem, Chu Tem and Wi Kan Win.

 

I really hope the situation between North Korea and the USA doesn't turn nuclear.

Britain is well out of Korea's missile range, but it's pretty fu**ing likely a few of America's would land on us.

 

There was a young lady in Yass
Who had the most beautiful ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you may probably think
But four legs, long ears and eats grass.

 

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates... As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'

WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin after yo white ass!!!

 

:INTERVIEWER:

"What Would You Consider To Be Your Greatest Weakness?"

:APPLICANT:

"Honesty".

:INTERVIEWER:

"Honesty ?, I Don't Think Honesty Is A Weakness"!.


:APPLICANT :


"I Don't Give A Fu*k What You Think" !!!!!. .

 

Just Bought A Dog From A Blacksmith. .



As Soon As I Got It Home It Made A Bolt For The Door.

 

( BANKING CRISIS)..

If The Global Crises Continues At The Present Rate,

By The End Of This Year Only Two Banks Will Be Operational,

The Blood Bank And The Sperm Bank.

And Before You Know It,

These Two Will Merge,

And The Whole Place Will Be Full Of Bloooody Tosssers. .

 

Margaret Thatcher's final wish was to be cremated.

Unfortunately, we've no coal left!

 

David Cameron has just sent his offical letter to the Thatcher residence.

It starts "I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms..."

 

An old man marries a pretty young thing and takes her to a posh hotel for the honeymoon. All the hotel staff have a bit of a chuckle, imagining the old guy coming to breakfast completely exhausted.

The next morning the couple come down to breakfast, but it's the young wife who looks exhausted and the old guy is chirpy as a teenager.

After two weeks of the same scene, a receptionist can't resist asking:

"You've been exhausted every day of your honeymoon. We all thought your husband would be knackered, but he's fit as a fiddle."

"Yes," says the young bride, "when I married him he said he'd been saving up for this moment for 40 years. I thought the illegitimate child meant loving money."

 

First came the royal wedding, then her majesty's diamond jubilee, after that we had the London Olympics and now the death of Thatcher.

You have to hand it to the Brits; once they get started on creating a feel-good factor they know how to keep it coming!

 

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his

wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £25 to £250 in

price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the

sheerest item, pays the £250, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for

him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea ...

it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on,

I'll do the modelling naked return it tomorrow, and keep the £250 refund for myself."​

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for £250 they'd at least iron it!"​

He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed​

 

My Wife and I went the local Agricultural Show,and one of the exhibits we stopped at was the Breeding Bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said,----

"This Bull Mated 50 times Last Year"!!.
My Wife playfully nudged me under the ribs, smiled and said,

"He Mated 50 times last year",
"That's Almost Once A Week" !!..


We Walked To The Second Pen which had a sign attached that said -----,

"This Bull Mated 150 Times Last Year"!!.
My Wife Gave Me A Healthy Jab and said---------,

"WOW, That's more than twice a week" !!,
"You could learn A Lot from him"...


We walked to the Third Pen and it had a sign Attached that said------,

"This Bull Mated 365 Times Last Year" !!!.
My Wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs,and said----,

"That's Once A Day,You Could REALLY Learn Something From This One".



I was getting a little piss*d off with all this ,so I looked at her and said,----



"Go Over And Ask Him If It Was With The Same Cow" !!!!. .











My Condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should Eventually
Make A Full Recovery.

 

In the film the lion the witch and the wardrobe, when the evil witch died, eternal winter ended and summer started. This weekends weather is going to be 20.

Coincidence?

 

Fred and Fiona were making Passionate love in Fred's Transit van,when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out,"Oh Fat Boy,Whip Me,Whip Me "!!!.

Fred not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,obviously did not have any Whips to hand,but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window,snaps the Antenna off his Van and proceeds to Whip Fiona until they both collapse in Sado-Masochistic Ecstasy.


About a week later,Fiona notices the marks left by the Whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the Doctor.

The Doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks:
"Did you get these marks having Sex ?".

Fiona, initially a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred
(let alone allowed him to indulge in her own Kinky desires),eventually admits that,

"Yes I Did ".

Nodding his head knowingly,the Doctor exclaims:::

"I Thought So, because in all my years as a Doctor, you've got the worst case of"


"Van Aerial Disease that I've ever seen"..