A joke or two.

An Emergency Call Centre Worker in London has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of Colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It Seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating:

"I Am Depressed here on a Railway Line, I am waiting for the train to come so I can Finally Meet My Maker".


Apparently, "Remaining Calm And Stay On The Line",


Was not considered to be an Appropriate or Correct Response .

 

Two vampire bats were getting a bit restless because the weather had been too horrible to go out for weeks. This night, it there was a dense fog and it was pouring down.

Bat 1: I've had enough. I haven't fed in ze couple of veeks and I've been couped up in here viz you all zat time. I'm going out.

He goes out, and is gone for hours. Just before dawn he returns. Blood dripping from his mouth and running all down his chin.

Bat 2: Ah, a successful trip then. Vhere did you go?
Bat 1: (indicating outside), See zat farm house?
Bat 2: Yes
Bat 1: See zat huge barn to ze right?
Bat 2: yes
Bat 1: See zat old caravan next to ze barn vhere ze farmer's teenage daughter is findings her independepence?
Bat 2 (getting excited) Yes! Yes!
Bat 1: See zat huge, massive, old oak tree between ze barn und ze caravan?
Bat 2: Yes! Yes! I see it!
Bat 1: Well I didn't.

 

That's amazing! Bat No. 2 can actually "see"!

 

A Marriage broker goes to see Mr Cohen,a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late,I have exactly the one you need,you only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time !", says the marriage broker.

"Don't Bother," replied Mr Cohen," Iv'e two Sisters at home,who look after all my needs".

"That's all well and good,but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife".


"I said two sisters---- I didn't say they were mine !!"..

 

God appears to a man, and tells him that if he wants to go to heaven he must give up
Smoking, Drinking and Sex.

The Man Says He Will Try.

A Week passes and God returns to see how the man got on.

"Not Bad", said the man, "I've given up Smoking and Drinking,but the other day my wife was bending over the freezer and I couldn't control myself,I had to have her".

"They Wont Like That In Heaven", says God.










"They Weren't Very Happy About It In Tesco", Says The Man.

 

A Traveller pulls into a Hotel around Midnight and asks the Clerk for a single room.
As the Clerk fills out the paperwork,the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby .


He tells the Clerk to wait, while he disappears into the lobby.

After a minute he comes back with the Girl on his Arm.

"Fancy Meeting My Wife Here !", He says to the Clerk:

"Guess I'll need a Double Room for the night".

Next morning he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount is over £2000 .
"What's The Meaning Of This ?" He yells at the clerk,

"I've Only Been Here One Night!".

"Yes", says the Clerk:

"But Your Wife Has Been Here For Three Weeks," .

 

French Foreplay: Dinner , Wine , Sex.

Italian Foreplay: Dinner , Wine , Caressing , Sex.

Latino Foreplay: Dinner , Wine , Dancing , Caressing , Sex.

Scottish Foreplay: "Haw Ye Awake ?"..

 

Men's Faults Are Many And Varied

Women Only Have Two.

(1) Everything They Say.

(2) Everything They Do..

 

A Woman takes her 16 year old daughter to the Doctor.

The Doctor say's: "Okay ,Mrs Jones what's the problem?".

The Mother says:" It's my daughter Jean,she keeps getting cravings,she's putting on weight and she's sick most mornings".

The Doctor gives Jean a good examination and then turns to the mother and say's,

"Well I don't know how to tell you this,but Jean is Pregnant,about four months would be my guess".

The Mother say's: " Pregnant !, she cant be,she has never ever been left alone with a man !, have you Jean?".

Jean says: "NO Mother, Iv'e Never Even Kissed A Man" !!!!!!..

The Doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.

About five minutes pass and finally the Mother says:
"Is there something wrong out there Doctor?".

The Doctor Replies: "No not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill ",

"And I'll Be Dammed If I'm Going To Miss It This Time".

 

'TRUE LOVE NEVER DIES'.

A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the Obituary for her recently Deceased Husband is published,

The Obituary Editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 pence a word.

She pauses,reflects, and then she says,
"Well, then, let it be read",
"Angus Mac Pherson died".

Amused at the woman's thrift ,the Editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum
for all Obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,



"In that case , let it Read-- Angus Mac Pherson Died, Golf Clubs For Sale"..

 

I took a bird back to my house the other night. "Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked, confused.

"They're pictures of my wife," I replied. "They're just too painful to look at."

"Oh, I'm sorry," she stammered, "I didn't know. How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Both of her parents were ugly," I replied.

 

( LOVE STORY).

I Will Seek And Find You.

I Shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I Will Make you ache,shake and sweat until you moan and groan.

I Will make you beg for mercy,
Beg Me To Stop.

I Will Exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And When I am finished, you will be weak for Days.



All My Love .


The Flu.








Now Get Your mind out of the gutter and get your Flu Jag !!!!..

 

A Prime Minister was looking for a Lady Of The Night.

He found three such girls in a local pub,a blonde,a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said,"I'm the Prime Minister Of Britain,how much would it cost me to spend some time with you ?".

She replied, " £200".

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was "£100".

He Then asked the redhead, her reply was---------.


"Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising like the price of petrol , keep me warmer than it is in my flat,and screw me
the way you have the Pensioners,


"Then It Isn't Going To Cost You A Bloooody Penny !!"..

 

(The Perfect Answer Back).

A Divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a Party.

Later after knocking back a few Drinks he goes over to the New Guy and sarcastically asks him---,


"So---- How do you like using second hand Stuff??",

The new husband replies :



"It Isn't That Bad, Past The First Three Inches"

"It's All Brand New "!!! .

 

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