A joke or two.

The Phone rings, and the wife answers,
A Pervert with heavy breathing says,

"I Bet you have a tight A*** with no hair",

(Woman Replies) ,

"Yes, He's Watching TV"

"Who Shall I Say Is Calling" ?..

 

My wife has left me and taken my satellite dish and Bob Marley CD collection.

No woman no Sky.

 

Isn't it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little cars? which reminds me - the MOT's due on the wife's Transit.

 

A Sixtyish woman went home happily jumping and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks--,

"Do you have any idea how Ridiculous you look ? what's the matter with you ?".

The woman continuing to jump up and down says," I don't care,I just came from having a Mammogram, and the doctor say's, I have the breasts of a 30 year old.

The Husband said, "What did he say about your 64 year old Ass?",

















"Your Name Never Came Up," She Replied..

 

A Religious young women went to confession.
Upon entering the Confessional she said,

"Forgive me Father ,for I have sinned".
The Priest said,"Confess your sins and be Forgiven".

The young woman said,
"Last Night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me Seven Times".

The Priest thought long and hard then said.

"Squeeze Seven Lemons into a glass and then drink the juice".

The young woman asked,

"Will this cleanse me of my sins ?"

The Priest said, " No, but it will wipe that smile off your Face"..

 

The Government has warned that if Scotland votes for independence, they may not be allowed to keep the Pound.

I knew there wasn't much money up North, but ******* hell.

 

Cameron has today defended plans to have trainee nurses start off as health care assistants before they start nursing.

That's fine. As long as trainee politicians start off as sewer workers before they start talking moo poo.

 

I Can To This Day,Remember examining my private parts when I was about three or four, while my Mother was giving me a Bath.

I Said, "Mummy are these my Brains?".











"Not Yet," She Said..

 

After dropping my new girlfriend home the other night following our first date, she told me I'd have to wait 6 months before she would have sex with me.
I told her I understand fully and respect her decision and that I'd ring her nearer the time.

 

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration,please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

 

' Reminiscence'.

As I Look Back, I Oft Remember,
Those Youthful Days Of Love And Fun,
When All My Limbs Were Soft And Tender,
Did I Say All----Well, All But One.

------------------------------------------------------

Now I'm Old,My Blood Flows Frigid,
Life's Long Race Is Nearly Run,
All My Limbs Are Stiff And Rigid,
Did I Say All,--Well, All But One.

(By Rudyard Kipling). " I Liked His Cakes "..

 

After the wife had parked the car in town, I got on the phone.
"Who are you calling?" She asked.
"A taxi" I replied "You can **** right off if you think I'm walking to the kerb from here!"

 

My son came up to me today and asked "Dad, why do Jews have big noses?"

"I don't know, son," I replied.

"You've got quite a big nose," he said.

"That doesn't mean I'm a Jew though."

"Oh good," he said, "Can you lend me a tenner then?"