A joke or two.

Why are people so concerned that people now have the ability to print your own 3D gun?

If the cost of the ink is anything like 2D printers, you won't be able to afford to.

 

A scruffy tramp just asked me for £2.
I told him no as he would only buy drink or gamble it away.
He got very angry and explained he doesn't drink or gamble.
I'm on my way to my house with him now so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble.

 

A man was in a terrible accident and his manhood was mangled and torn from his body.
His Doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,but that his insurance would not cover the surgery since it was considered Cosmetic.

The Doctor said the cost would be £3000 for small, £6000 for medium and £14000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made a decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The Doctor came back into the room and found the man looking Dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided ?", asked the doctor,












"She'd rather remodel the Kitchen"

 

Seen any purple frogs in your garden?
Thought not.
http://www.edgeofexistence.org/amphibians/species_info.php?id=549

 

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no money in there.

 

The electricity company called me and said, "The meter readings you provided us with seem to be suspiciously low."

I said, "Yeah, I've never read the meter. I have a system where I just decide beforehand how much I feel like paying, then work out the figures to suit."

"Sir, you can't do that!" they said.

I replied, "Well, it's a system that seems to work all right for you"

 

Wayne Rooney's newborn son Klay, was named in honour of his father.

Thick and difficult to work with!

 

The Cannibal down our street killed the local Clairvoyant, but he only put her in the oven for half an hour, turned out he likes his mediums rare.

 

I’m standing at a bar in town yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I say to him, “Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the hell you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?”
“No”, I say, “it's because you're drinking my beer, you little *****!”

 

Upon hearing that her elderly Grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her Grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother.
When she asked how her Grandfather had died,her Grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning".

Horrified,Katie told her Grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh No My Dear," replied the granny,
"Many years ago,realizing our advanced age,we figured out the best time to do it was when the Church Bells would start to ring,it was just the right rhythm,nice and slow and even,
nothing too strenuous,simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong".

She paused to wipe away a tear,and continued,


"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along".

 

A Guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day.
The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip please" says the man.
"Ok replies the waiter and calls out, "Gervais!".

A little French chef appears with a large knife,the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face.
Gervais is touched,and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.

"Not to worry" says the waiter,and calls out "Hans!"at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen."Sir ", says the waiter,"this is Hans the dishwasher,Hans kill that squid!"

The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little Cry.

"I am sorry sir,I just cannot kill the squid," Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.

"Well Sir " says the waiter,
"It just goes to show-------------------



"That Hans that do dishes,can be soft as Gervais-- With mild green hairy lip squid".







BOOM BOOM !..

 

Used Fairy Liquid as lubricant last night as it said it'd last for 50% longer.

Best 3 minutes of my life.

 

My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"

I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."

He said, "So what happened?"

I said, "Nothing. Unfortunately the arrow missed and hit your Mother."

 

When I read about last weekend's four-hour car chase in Edinburgh that ended in a fatal shooting I thought, correctly, 'That's got to be bloody immigrants.'

Any self-respecting Scotsman would rather take a bullet outright than shell out for four hours' worth of petrol.