A joke or two.

I took my wife to an opticians this morning.
Even they couldn't see why I married her.

 

My MP likes his women like he likes everything else.

Paid for by the taxpayer.

 

After being ill for a week, my wife got a doctor to give me a home visit. As I woke from a sleep, the doctor was by my bed shaking his head.

"I've been looking through your records Mr. Kay, and it doesn't look good" said the doctor.

"Oh my god" I replied nervously. "Is it that bad doc?"

"I'd say so" he said. "Earth, Wind and Fires greatest hits, Barbra Streisand, Barry Manilow. What the hell were you thinking when you bought these?"

 

----------------------IS ROMANCE DEAD ?.-------------------------------

A middle aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive Texts on their cell phones.
The wife ,being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a Text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend, she Texted :

If you are sleeping, Send me your dreams.
If you are laughing,Send me your smile.
If you are Eating,Send me a bite.
If you are Drinking,Send me a sip.
If you are Crying, Send me your tears.
I Love You.

The Husband, being a no nonsense sort of Aussie Guy Texted back:

I'm on the toilet Mate, please advise.

(Brings a tear to the eye ).

 

There was a knock at my door last night, "Hello Sir, can I ask you if you will be voting for us in the forthcoming election."

"Yes"

"OK sir thank you."

"What for?"

"Your vote."

"I am not voting for you"

"But you said you were"

"No I didn't"

"There seems to be a misunderstanding here"

"It's moo poo when you are being given bull's manure and made to believe something else isn't it. Welcome to the voters view of politics, now **** off."

 

Message to the person who stole my trainers while I was on the bouncy castle , f@!?&£! grow up !...

Rusty

 

When Love fades!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, I was talking to the cat."
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