A joke or two.

Apparently today is the longest day of the year.

Or if you are a married man, just another day.

 

All i can say is ...i'm glad it's not my wedding anniversary

 

Our neighbour's dog s&@?! in our garden so my mum told to me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.

I don't see what that solved, now we've got dog s&@£ in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

Rusty

 

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.

But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?'

He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.

Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.


'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.

'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.

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OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this - but it will make your day!

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'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

Jack McH

 

If Teflon is non-stick, how did they make it stick to the pan?

 

(ELDERLY DEMONSTRATORS)

"WHAT DO WE WANT"????

"HEARING AIDS".

"WHEN DO WE WANT THEM ????"

"HEARING AIDS".

 

VIAGRA, is now available in Tea Bags.

It Doesn't enhance your Sexual Performance,

But it does stop your Biscuit Going Soft ..

 

(SHE'S SINGLE)

She lives right across the street .
I can see her house from my living room window.
I watched as she got home this evening from playing Golf.


I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my Door...... I rushed to open it.

She looked at me and said,

"I just got home, and I am so Horny !!!

"I have this strong urge to have a Good time,

"Get Drunk and make Love All Night Long!!!!".

"Are You Busy Tonight ???".

I immediately replied,

"NO, I'M FREE, I HAVE NO PLANS AT ALL !!!!.".

Then she said,

"Good ! in that case, Could you watch my Dog ??".


(This Being A Senior Citizen Really Sucks !!!!!!).

 

​

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. ​

It was a fine spring day in his new parish.​

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the​

beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying​

dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.​

The conversation went like this: ​

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"​

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.​

Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and​

would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"​

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing​

the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, ​

"Well now Father, it was always my impression​

that you people took care of the last rites!"​

There was dead silence on the line for a moment . . . . . . ...​

Father O'Malley then replied: ​

"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify ​

the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."​

 

So Ian Brady wants the right to be able to kill himself.

Why don't the prison services tell him there is a gun buried in the jail somewhere, but don't tell him where it is?

 

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1043866_652427534786551_775374806_n.jpg

 

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the
altar," the Preacher says:

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what
do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand
on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue
streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,
"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

 

A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Rusty