A joke or two.

I went for a job interview at the funeral directors today and the boss said, "What makes you think you're suitable for this job?"

I replied, "Well I once had a job delivering pizzas, so I'm used to driving slow with something cold in a box."

 

I bought my wife a friendly little robot to help her with the housework.

It's red and it's called Henry.

 

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1016242_487408351345160_333829159_n.jpg

 

When I walked in the house I was greeted by the wife holding a can of beer and smiling at me, suspiciously I asked "what's this for?"

"my sister saw you chatting to the new barmaid at the local so she moved behind you to hear what you were saying "

" oh really? and what did she hear? "

" the barmaid asked what I was like and you said I looked like Sue Barker! now sit down, I've made your favourite for dinner and after you're getting that blow job you keep asking for"

I cracked open my beer and thought it was a good job the pub was noisy, I didn't say Sue, I said Chew

 

Subject: Lion Tamer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the
other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good
or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who
wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl
and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open
her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life."

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
there."

 

What would you rather bee or a wasp?

What would you rather pick or a shovel?

 

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you
take?"
"Big ones" was apparently the wrong answer!

 

The wife wanted to try a bit of role reversal in the bedroom.

I hated it though, I just sat there half the night with my arms folded while she was down the pub.

Rusty

 

The older, the wiser we become?

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

The older, the wiser we become?

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,

I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,

the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the

eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

16. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
17. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE................. ??
16. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
17. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE................. ??

 

Tomorrow's headlines
GUARDIAN: It's a boy!
TELEGRAPH: It's a boy!
DAILY MAIL: Has Kate lost the baby weight yet?

 

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

 

Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked:

"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, "Must be doing well... Only two left."
Lesson: Don’t mess with the wisdom . . . . . . . we are not brain dead!!

Jenny namaste
OAP

 

Michael O'Leary of Ryanair goes into a Dublin pub and asks for a pint of Guinness.

"That'll be two Euros," says the barman.

"That's a very reasonable price," replies O'Leary.

"Would you like a glass with that sir?" asks the barman

 

A Redneck went to the Hospital , as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the Nurse said to him,

"Congratulations, your Wife has had Quintuplets, five big baby boys".

The Redneck said, "I'm Not Surprised, I have a penis the size of a chimney".

The Nurse Replied---,

"You might want to Consider getting it Cleaned",


"They Are All Black"..