A joke or two.

"Make sure you give that a good wash" winked my wife when I was in the shower.

She didn't need to ask twice. Eager to please, I scrubbed it the length and in every crevice until it was glistening and fresh.

Then as I walked into the bedroom she said, "Thanks love, you know I hate cleaning the bathroom."

I'm married - I'm under no illusions about anything.

 

IRISH BLONDE.
An attractive blonde from Cork, arrived at the Casino.
she seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand pounds in a single roll of the dice.
She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely Nude".
With that ,she stripped from the neck down,rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,
"Come On Baby,Mama Needs New Clothes!".

As the dice came to a stop,she jumped up and down and squealed ,
"YES ! YES! I WON!".
She hugged each of the Dealers,picked up her clothes and Quickly departed.
The Dealers stared at each other,Dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asked,"What Did She Roll?",
the other answered,"I Don't Know- I Thought You Were Watching"!.

MORAL OF THE STORY.
Not All Irish Are Drunks, Not All Blondes Are Dumb,

------- BUT ALL MEN----------------ARE MEN!!!..

 

(Best Pick Up Line Ever ).

An Aviator walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,------.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks ,"Is your date running late ?".
"No",he replies," I just got this state- of- the- art-watch,and I was just testing it".

The intrigued woman says " A state of the art watch? what's so special about it ?".

The Aviator explains," It uses Alpha Waves to talk to me Telepathically".

The lady smiles and says,"what's it telling you now ?",

"Well it says you're not wearing any panties",

The woman giggles and replies,"Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties !".

The Aviator smiles, taps his watch and says,

-----"Damn Thing's An Hour Fast"----------- ...

 

Worrying times ahead with these power hungry and clueless halfwits hovering their finger above the red button, ready to inflict untold misery and suffering upon millions....

I however, will be trying to forget X Factor exists by watching events in Syria unfold on BBC news or something.....

 

A Jewish Grandmother is giving directions to her adult grandson who is coming to visit with his wife .

"You come to the front door of the Apartments, I am in apartment 301."
"There is a big panel at the front door,"
"with your elbow, push button 301."
"I will buzz you in".
"Come inside and the elevator is on the right".
"Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd floor"
"When you get out, I am on the left".
"With your elbow,hit my doorbell, OK?",

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?".



"WHAT------OY VEY-------YOU'RE COMING EMPTY HANDED?"

 

A Lady was leaning over Waterloo bridge eating Chips out of a paper wrapper.
A passing policeman paused behind her and said,

"Madam, do you know your knickers are around your ankles?".

The lady looked round and said,

"OH,AS HE GORN?"..

 

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her
man and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live
without you."
Her man asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."

 

(Don't Forget To Brush Your Teeth).

A guy goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted,she pulled out a large syringe to give an Anesthetic shot.

"No Way ,No Needles!, I Hate Needles!", the man exclaimed.

So she started to hook up the Nitrous Oxide Tank, and the man said,
"I can't do the Gas thing, just the thought of having a mask on my face Suffocates me!".

The Dentist then asked the Patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No",he says, "I'm fine with pills"..

So the Dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.

"What are those?" he asked,
"Viagra", she replied,
"I'll be damned", said the patient"
"I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer".

"It doesn't ", said the Dentist,

"But It Will Give You Something To Hold On To When I Pull That Tooth"...

 

"It's times like this I wished we lived abroad" I said to my wife, staring out of the front window.

"Yeah the weather's crap isn't it?" she replied.

"Not the weather. Your mother's coming up the drive."

 

A blonde woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled, and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

 

In an attempt to kill two birds with one stone David Cameron announces that the RAF will commence dropping Badgers on Syria from tomorrow.

 

Australia have just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.

Government sources suggest around 60,000.

Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million

 

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire
Nightclubs..


Apparently goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.


Police say the Dangerous Practice is called-----------,





"E BY GUM"..

 

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to moo poo all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'​

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that th e dog was a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note
of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent,
jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to moo poo all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, 'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.'​