A joke or two.

As we sat talking, I said to my wife "My true love, when I pass from this mortal Earth, I will leave everything to you"

In a flash she replied "You already do you lazy ........."

 

The Government has announced that benefit cheats will now be dealt with as harshly as fraudulent bankers.

I'm not sure giving them Knighthoods is the right way to go.

 

"Doctor, I think I have a serious problem. Last night I decided to have a salad for supper, but couldn't resist the temptation to fry everything. I made up a delicious beer batter and the lettuce, tomatoes, radish, sweetcorn all ended up battered and fried. Then this morning I found myself battering and frying my rice krispies, and this afternoon I nearly did the same with my mobile phone! What's wrong with me doctor? Am I going mad?"

"No. You're just frittering your life away."

 

"Been drinking tonight sir?" The policeman asked.

"I had one earlier, but that was all," I replied.

"I think you've had a few more than that sir. Would you step out of the van please."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because the Postman Pat ride isn't really designed for adults and there's children waiting for their go."

 

I see London Mayor Boris Johnson's proposing to fine Londoners who text while they're walking.

Personally I think it would be cheaper and funnier to just put up more lamp posts.

 

I HAVE OUTLIVED MY PECKER .
( A POEM BY LONGFELLOW)..

My Nookie days are over,
my pilot light is out.
what used to be my pride and joy
is now my water spout.

Time was when,on it's own accord
from my trousers it would spring
but now i've got a full time job
to find the friggin thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
the way it would behave ,
for every single morning,
it would stand and watch me shave .

Now as old age approaches,
it sure gives me the blues,
to see it hang it's little head
and watch me tie my shoes!!!!..

 

A Chinese court has found disgraced former top politician Bo Xilai guilty of bribery, corruption, embezzlement and abuse of power.

In other words, they've found him guilty of being a politician.

 

. (A Guy and A Girl meet at a bar).
They get on so well that they decide to go to the Girls place.

A few drinks later,the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says:" you must be a Dentist".
"Yes------how did you figure that out?".

"Easy---" she replies, "you keep washing your hands".

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says::

"You must be a good Dentist !".

The guy now with an inflated Ego says::

"Sure--I'm a good Dentist,

"but how did you figure that out?"


The girl replies------





" Didn't Feel A Thing".

 

(Tae A Fert). . ( . By Rabbi Barns.).

Oh What a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yur belly efter the feastie
just as ye sit doon amang yer kin
there sterts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
stert workin like a gentle breeze
but soon the puddin'wi the sauncie face,
will huv ye blawin' all ower the place.

Nae matter whit ye try tae dae
A'bodys gonnae huv tae pay,
even if ye try tae stifle,
it's like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawd Yur Bum Tight tae the chair,
tae try and stop the leakin air
shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek
Pray the God it doesny Reek.

But Aw Yer Efforts go assunder
oot it comes a clap-o' thunder
Ricochets aroon the room,
Michty Me A Sonic Boom!.

God almighty it fairly reeks
hope a huvnae pooed ma breeks!
Tay the Loo a better scurry
Aw Who Cares, It's No Ma Worry.

A'body roon aboot me chokin,
Wan or Two are nearly Bokin,
I'll feel better for a while,
Cannae help but raise a Smile.

"WIS HIM!" I shout with accusin glower,
Alas To Late, He's Just Keeled Ower!
"YE DIRTY THING!" They shout and stare,
I don't feel welcome any mair.

Where Ere Ye Go Let Yer Wind Gang Free,
Sounds like just the job fur me,
Whit A Fuss At Rabbie's Perty,
Ower the sake O' WAN WEE FERTY!!!!!!!!...

 

Want a good laugh?

I dare you not to laugh.

http://www.wimp.com/laughtercontagious/

 

In a recent survey 9 out of 10 men agreed that women are always right.

The 10th man has not been seen since the survey!

 

A man and a woman were having a quiet,romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress,taking another order at a table a few feet away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the women stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all his way down his chair and out of sight under the table,
still the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit Risque and it may offend other diners,went over to the table and tactfully,began saying to the woman,"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table".

The Woman calmly looked up at her and said, " No He didn't , He just walked in the door". .

 

http://www.flixxy.com/the-paperless-future-emma.htm