A joke or two.

A little girl asked her Mother,"Mummy, how did the human race come about?".
The Mother answered.
"Well my dear,God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made".

Two days later she asked her Dad the same question,the Dad answered.

"Well sugar many years ago there were Monkeys,and we evolved from them".

The confused girl returns to her Mother and says,
"Mummy,how is it that you told me that the human race was created by God and Daddy says we came from Monkeys?".

"Well Sweetie,it's very simple,I told you about the origin of my side of the family and your Father

"told you about his!". .

 

The Past, the Present, and the Future walked into a pub.

It was a tense situation.

 

A little boy says to his Mother,
"Mummy,how come I'm Black and You're White?".
His Mother replied,
"Don't even go there!!!"

"From what I Can remember About That Party",
"You're Lucky You Don't Bark".

 

Three Women,two younger, and one senior citizen,were sitting naked in a sauna,suddenly there was a bleeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the bleeping stopped.
The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said,"I have a Microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later a phone rang.
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished she explained,"That was my mobile phone,I have a Microchip in my hand".

The older woman felt very low-Tech ,
Not to be outdone, she decided to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said---------

"WELL, Will you look at that",

"I'm Getting A Fax!!!!!!".

 

The lord Jesus was going to be born in Essex, but if finding 3 wise men, was tough, finding a Virgin was impossible.

 

Two Irish fellas flew to NZ on a hunting trip. They chartered a small
plane to take them into the bush for a week hunting deer.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the
pilot said the plane could take only 4 deer.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let
us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power
the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the deer bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where
we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last
year."

 

The human body has 7 trillion nerves. My husband manages to get on every bloody one of them!

 

North Korea have agreed to suspend their nuclear programme.

They've seen an episode of 'The Only Way Is Essex' and decided our society's f***** without their intervention.

 

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

( A CHILD'S PRAYER).

Dear God.

Please send clothes for all those,

Poor Ladies In Daddy's Computer,

Who Don't Have Any,

AMEN!!!!..

 

(Old Timers Protest March).

"WHAT DO WE WANT"!!!,


"FECK KNOWS",


"WHEN DO WE WANT IT"????


"WANT WHAT"???..

 

She Married and had 13 children,
then her husband Died.
She Married again and had 7 more children,
again her husband Died.
She Remarried a third time,
and had 5 more children.

After a Long Life,
she finally Died after having 25 Children.

Standing before her Coffin, the Priest prayed for Her.
He thanked the Lord for this very Loving Woman, and said,

"Lord, they are Finally Together",

One Mourner leaned over and quietly asked her Friend,

"Do you think he means her First ,Second or Third Husband"??.

The Friend Replied,



"I Think He Means Her Legs".

 

A milkman dying in hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his
wife and the nurse.
He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses."
To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los
Angeles Plaza."
"And Charlie, you being my youngest son, I leave you the City Centre
offices".
And to his wife, "Darling, you get the three residential towers downtown."
The wide-eyed nurse, obviously impressed, tells his wife, "Madam, your
husband is very rich! And what's great is he is bequeathing all his
properties to his family. You are all so lucky!!"
The wife retorts, "Rich??? Lucky??? Are you kidding me!!?? Those are the
routes where he delivers milk!!"

 

The owner of a business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided
to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from University and
I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, 'Everything but my
earrings.'