A joke or two.

My guide to the WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE...

About this time of the year, pensionable taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to senior taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a bit of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity, thus stimulating the economy and maybe keep you warm.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka.

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to nightclubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie

(These are the only genuine UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a nightclub with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !

No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help.

 

A Soldier ran up to a Nun.
Out of breath he asked,"Please, may I hide under your skirt, I'll explain later".
The Nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked,"Sister,have you seen a Soldier?".
The Nun replied," He went that way".

After the MP'S ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said," I can't thank you enough Sister","you see, I don't want to go to Iraq",
The Nun said,"I understand completely".
The soldier added,"I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!!".

The Nun replied,

"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of ba**s,
"I don't want to go to Iraq either!!!!"..

 

http://humour2.bluehaze.com.au/files/20130917_have_my_kids.jpg

 

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel named
Alfred with two huge camel humps.
He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel named Marie,
who had one perfect camel hump.
As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby boy
camel, born with no humps.
They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy
They finally decided on.....................
Are you ready for this















Humpfree




Oh, please stop your whining.

 

A man goes into a pub, and is surprised to see a man about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a mini piano.
"What's all that about then?" he asks the bar man.
"Well", replies the bar man, "funny thing that. The other day my fairy godmother appeared and granted me a wish. But I think she must've been a bit deaf, because she's given me a 12 inch pianist."

 

Norman, an old retired Sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the Docks once more,for old times sake,and some Hot Sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a Guy his age.

But needing some reassurance, he asks ,
"How Am I Doing??".
The prostitute replies,

"Well Norman, Ye Old Sailor, your doing about three knots".
"Three Knots?", he asks,
"What's that supposed to mean?".

She says, " You're knot hard, You're knot In",



"And You're Knot Getting Your Money Back".

 

What deep thinkers men are. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.


My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.


Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.


Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

 

I made my girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle.

You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!

 

A couple went shopping in the high street planning a big Sunday lunch for all the family , they went in the veg shop and bought spuds , carrots , coli .

Next they popped into the Library and went up to the desk and asked the Librarian for a good sized family joint of beef that would be enough for about 6 people as all the family coming around for a good old Sunday lunch , as you would expect the Librarian said

"madam this is a library "

scroll down









the woman said in a very very quiet voice " a good sized family joint of beef that would be enough for 6"

Spruce

 

Times must be tough, as my wife has resorted to having sex with me. She tells me that she cannot afford the batteries anymore.

 

. (The Marriage Broker).

A Marriage Broker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late, I have exactly the one you need,you only have to say the word and you will meet and be married in no time!" says the marriage broker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, " I have two sisters at home who look after all my needs".

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a Wife",
said the Broker.


Mr Cohen replied,

"I Said Two Sisters------------- I didn't say they were Mine"...

 

My wife decided to but some new knickers the other day. She calls them her Meatloafs.

On the front it says 'I would do anything for love' on the back......................





'But I won't do that'

 

A Married couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The Husband Responded,
"When we were first married we came to an agreement",

"I would make all the Major decisions and my wife would make all the Minor Decisions".
At which point the Wife took up the tale,

"And in 60 years of marriage We have never needed to make a Major Decision"!!!. .

 

God's favourite creature must be the Female Bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate, you do nothing for six months,

I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid,

I could deal with that too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children,( who are the size of walnuts) while your sleeping and wake up to partially grown,cute cuddly cubs,

I could DEFINITELY deal with that.

If you're a Mama bear, everyone knows you mean business.

You can swat anyone who bothers your cubs,
If your cubs get out of line,you swat them too .

I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.

He EXPECTS that you have Hairy Legs and excess body fat.


YES ! YES! --------I Want To Be A Bear..

 

After Months of investigating cases of Blackbirds being attacked on the English side of the England/Scottish Border, the RSPCA solved the case today.


They caught the culprits red handed in attacking Blackbirds.


The culprits were a flock of Pigeons and Chickens who had come over from Scotland.


They were members of the Coo Clucks Clan !!!!!..