A joke or two.

Today I Was Beaten Up By A Woman..


I was in the Elevator when a large Busted Lady got in.

I was staring at her Busts, when she said,

"Would You Please Press 1 -----",

So I Did.

I Don't Remember Much Afterwards.

I remember the Hospital,

After My Operation...

 

Marriage is like playing with a pack of cards-------.


At the start you just need two Hearts and a Diamond.


At the end you want a Club and a Spade'


.

 

God appears to a Man and tells him that if he wants to go to heaven he must give up smoking,drinking,and sex.
The Man says he will try.

A week passes by ,and God returns to see how the man has got on.

"Not bad!", said the man., "I've given up smoking and drinking,but the other day my wife was bending over the freezer and I couldn't help myself".

"They wont like that in heaven", says God.


"They were not to Happy about it in Tesco", , Says the Man..

 

He was standing at the Supermarket Checkout with just a huge bag of dog food.

The woman behind him said,"WOW! you must have a really big dog"!.

"Oh I don't have a Dog", he said, "I'm on the Winalot Diet".

"Winalot Diet?" she asked, "What's that?".

"Well I always carry a few of these in my pocket, and if I get hungry I eat a few, they have all the nutrients and vitamins I need without eating anything else".

"Does it work?", said the woman.

"It did until I ended up in Hospital with tubes stuck into me, all over".

"My God, Did It Poison You ?" asked the woman,










"No ,I was sitting in the middle of the road licking my Balls and A Car Hit Me "!!!!! ..

 

A Man goes to a Football Match.

At the turnstile the person in the booth says,

"That will be £25 Sir".

The Man says,"That's outrageous, I could have a Woman for that price".

Person in the booth says,

"You wouldn't get 45 minutes each way with a Woman",


"And A Brass Band At The Interval As Well" !!!!!!!!!!..

 

. (A WOMAN'S PRAYER).

"Oh Dear Lord, I Pray For Wisdom,"

"To Understand A Man ,"

"To Love And Forgive Him",

"And For Patience For His Moods".


"Because Lord, If I Pray For Strength",






"I'll Just Beat Him To Death" !!!!!...

 

How can Piers Morgan lie with a straight face?

He practised in the Mirror.

 

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: £4.00

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs £4 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at £372. In one year, it would be approximately £4500 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If on average you spent £4500, per year for the past

20 years, that puts your total spending at £90,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

 

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what", says the 7 year old,
"I think it's about time we started swearing.".

The 4 year old nods his head in approval,so the 7 year old says,"when we go downstairs for breakfast , I'm going to swear first ,then you swear after me." .

"OK" says the 4 year old.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh F*** mum, I don't know,I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops".

WHACK!!!, he flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice.

"And What Would You Like For Breakfast, Young Man"???.

"I Don't Know," he blubbers,









"But It Won't Be F**king Coco Pops".

 

My Wife found out that our dog,(A Schnauzer), could hardly hear,
So she took it to the Vet.

The Vet found that the problem was hair in the Dogs ears.
He cleaned both ears, and then the Dog could hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some"Nair Hair Remover and rub it in the dogs ears once a month.

Andrea went to the Store and purchased some 'Nair' hair remover at the Register.

The Pharmacist told her," If you're going to use this under your arms, Don't use Deodorants for a few days.

Andrea Said," I'm not using it under my Arms".

The Pharmacist said," If your using on your Legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days".

Andrea Replied,

I'm Not Using It On My Legs Either, If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".

The Pharmacist says, ::::::








"Well Stay Off Your Bicycle For About A Week!!!!"..

 

One day Wee Paddy goes into the neighborhood pharmacy - reaches into
his
pocket and takes out an Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours out a teaspoonful and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid
around
and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and
get my
urine tested for sugar."

 

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have..
Ralph andEdna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”

She continued, “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”

Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?”

 

Two Woman Friends Had Gone For A Night Out.
Both were faithful and loving wives, however they had got over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee,so they stopped at a Cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her Panties and
use them.

Her friend ,however ,was wearing a rather expensive pair and didn't want to do that.

She was lucky enough to have squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the Girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet innocent wife was still in bed ,Hungover ,so he phoned the other husband and said," These Girls Nights Have Got To Stop!!!!!.

"I Am Starting to suspect the worst, my wife came home with no Panties!!".

"That's Nothing", replied the other husband ,

"My Wife came back with a card stuck to her Ass that said,"

--- "From All Of Us At The Fire Station",

----"We'll Never Forget You"..

 

A Woman and a Baby were in the Doctors examining room,waiting for the Doctor to come in.
The Doctor arrived,examined the Baby,checked his weight,found it somewhat below normal,and asked if the Baby was Breast Fed or Bottle Fed.
"Breast Fed", she replied.

"Well strip down to your waist", the Doctor ordered .
She Did.

The Doctor Pressed, Kneaded, Rolled , Cupped,and Pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed,rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning her to get dressed he said,

"No Wonder This Baby Is Under Weight, You Don't Have Any Milk!!!".

"I Know", she said, " I'm His Grandmother ",

"BUT I'M GLAD I CAME".