A joke or two.

Husband and Wife are waiting at the bus stop with their Nine Children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
The Husband and the Blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the pavement, and says to him,

"Why Don't You Put A Piece Of Rubber At The End Of Your Stick?"

The Blind man replies ::::::,

"If You Had Put A Rubber At The End Of YOUR STICK",

"We Would Be On The BUS",

 

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,
as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

 

What do you call a man with rubber toes?

Roberto.

 

A new Supermarket near our house has an Automatic water mister to keep our produce fresh..

Just before it goes on you hear the sound of a Thunderstorm and the smell of Fresh Rain. .

When you approach the milk cases,
you hear Cows Mooing and witness the scent of Fresh Butter Fat..

When you approach the Egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying..



So Far I Have Been TOOOOO Afraid to go down the Toilet Paper Aisle..

 

This year I hosted a Christmas Dinner for the family and everyone was encouraged to bring all the children including grandchildren.

During dinner, my five year old granddaughter, sitting across from me, stared at me.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me. I finally asked her,
"Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet, waiting for her response. My little granddaughter said,

"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish".

 

.(Chinese Sick Day).
Hung Chow calls into work and says ,"Hey I no come to work today,I sick,headache,stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come to work".

The boss says," You know something Hung Chow, I really need you today ,when I feel like that I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex,that makes everything better and I go to work,you try that".

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.>>>>


"I Do What You Say, I feel Great, I Be Work Soon",







"YOU GOT NICE HOUSE".

 

Little Johnny wanted to go to the Zoo ,and pestered his parents for days.

Finally his Mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So How Was It?" his mother asked when they returned home, "Great", Johnny replied.

"Did You and your Father have a good time?", asked the Mother,

"Yeah, Daddy Especially liked it", exclaimed little Johnny,





"Especially when one of the Animals came home at 40/1 "..

 

An old couple were starving,nothing to eat for Days.
They were desperate just to get something in their bellies,both of them on the verge of starvation.

After some Soul searching they reluctantly came to a decision,
"We'll Have To Eat Our Faithful Old Dog".

So the old man kills the dog and chops up some of their little remaining furniture to make a fire and the Old woman prepares the dog and cooks a stew.

Even though they are Heartbroken to be eating their Faithful old Friend they thoroughly enjoy what could be their last meal Together.

Afterwards as they sit one each side of their now dying fire wondering what tomorrow might bring,the old man,sucking the last of the Gravy off his fingers,says to his Wife,

"You Know, It's a pity the old dog Isn't Alive,"

"He'd Have Loved These Bones "..

 

So here it is again, November the 5th, Bonfire night.



The one night of the year when the whole of the UK comes together with the lighting of bonfires, the letting off of fireworks and the burning of an effigy of Guy Fawkes, in celebration of the last time the British Government found Weapons of Mass Destruction.

 

There's been a lot of debate in the news recently about how to tackle the growing problem of children being attacked by 'fighting dogs' such as Bull Terriers, which are often owned by Chavs who use them as weapons and status symbols.

I think the only reasonable solution is to have the lot of them rounded up and humanely destroyed.

And their dogs rehomed.

 

.(The Agony Of Ageing)..

On the morning that British Summer time ended, I stopped in to visit my Ageing Old Friend, 'Donald'.


He was busy, covering his Penis with black shoe polish.


I said to him," Oh Donald ,Donald ,Donald, you had better get your hearing checked",



"You're Supposed To Turn Your Clock Back !!!!!!"..

 

Jake was Dying, his Wife at his Bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something to confess".

" There is no need to,", his Wife replied.

"NO", he insisted.

"I Want to Die in Peace".

"I slept with your sister" ,

"And Her Best Friend "

"And I slept with your Mother".

"I Know", she replied.


"Now Just Lay Back And Rest, "










"And Let The Poison Work !!!!"..

 

50 Shades of Grey........

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again......
back and forth... back and forth..... in and out.......

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and
trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the
end. Her heart was pounding..... Her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.



Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and
shouted,







"Okay, Okay !! I can’t park the car !!!

 

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the
school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking
part!"