A joke or two.

A Man was making love to a 30 Stone Woman.

He Says------

"Can We Have The Light Switched Off ?"

She Says------

"WHY? , Do you find me repulsive ?".

He Says----

No----It's Burning My AR**"..

 

Paddy rings his new Girlfriends door bell, holding a Bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers,and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch,

Pulls her Skirt up,

Takes her Pants Off, and says,

"This Is For The Flowers!!!",

"Don't Be Silly," Says Paddy ,


"You Must Have A Vase Somewhere !!!!!"..


"

 

I got into a taxi and told the driver to take me to a place fifty miles away.

When we arrived, I got him to sit for an hour with the engine running, then told him to take me home.

When we got back he asked, "What was the purpose of that journey?"

I replied, "It was just cheaper than sitting in the house with the heating on."

 

A Man escapes from a Prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money.
Inside he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the home owners wife to the bed,the convict gets on top of her,appears to kiss her neck,then gets up and goes into the Bathroom.

While he's in there the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict,look at his clothes !"
"He's probably spent a lot of time in Jail and hasn't seen a woman in years ".
"I saw how he Kissed your neck, If he wants sex don't resist,"
"Don't complain, do whatever he tells you",
"Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you ",
"This guy is obviously very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us both"
"be strong honey, I love you".

his wife responds:
"he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear"
"He told me that he was gay, and thinks your cute,and asked if we had any Vaseline, I told him it was in the bathroom" ,

"Be Strong honey,I love you too"..

 

A Man notices his Wife Watching a cooking Programme on TV.

He Said" Why do you watch that stuff----- You Can't Cook!!".

She Replies::::: "So Why Do You Watch Porn Then ??"..

 

.(CUTE KIDS).

Two Kids in the Schoolroom asked by the Teacher to make up a Poem with the word PISTOL in it.

First little bright boy says.

My Father Is A Sailor,
He Wears A Suit Of Blue,
He Has A Cutlass In His Belt,
And A Pistol To!.

Second Not So Bright Boy Says,

My Father Ain't A Sailor,
He Wears No Suit Of Blue,
He Draws The Dole At Ten O Clock,

And Goes On The PISTOL TWO!!!..

 

.
(CORPORATE LESSON).


A Little Bird was flying South for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground.

While it was lying there along come a Cow and drops some dung on it.

The Dung actually thawing him out, he lay there all Warm and Happy and soon began to sing for Joy.

A Passing Cat heard him and came to investigate.
Following the sound the Cat discovered the Bird under the pile of Cow dung and promptly dug him out and Ate him .

The Moral Of The Story::::.

(1) Not Everyone Who Craps On You Is Your Enemy.

(2) Not Everyone Who Gets You Out Of The crap Is Your Friend.

(3) When You're Deep In The crap,


It's Best To Keep Your Mouth Shut..

 

A Nurse, exhausted after a long shift, walks into her Bank to withdraw some hard earned cash.

The observant teller notices that she is trying to sign the Cheque with a Rectal Thermometer, and points this fact out to her.


"Bloooody Hell, You're Right", Says the Nurse,


"Some A**hole's Got My Pen !"..

 

Little Johnny's Father asked him,

"Do You Know About The Birds And The Bees?".

"I Don't Want To Know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears..

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"OH DAD," Little Johnny sobbed,

"At The Age Of Six I Got The, 'There's No Santa Speech".


"At The Age Of Seven I got The', "There's No Easter Bunny Speech".


"At The Age Of Eight I Got The, "There's No Tooth Fairy Speech".


"If You're Going To Tell Me Now That Grown-Ups Don't Really Have Sex",







"I've Got Nothing Left To Live For "..

 

. ( THE MARRIAGE ).
A Man met a Beautiful Blonde Lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She Said,"But we don't know anything about each other".
He Said,"That's all right, we,ll learn about each other as we go along".
So She consented.
They were Married,and off they went on a Honeymoon at a very nice Resort.

One Morning they were laying by the pool when He got up off his Towel,climbed up to the
10 Metre Board and did a Two and a Half Tuck, followed by Three Rotations in the Pike Position, at which point He straightened out and cut the water like a Knife.

After a few more demonstrations he came back and lay down on the Towel.

"She Said ,"That Was Incredible"!

He Said, "I used to be an Olympic Diving Champion, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along".

So She Got Up, Jumped in the Pool and Started doing Lengths of the Pool.

After Eighty Lengths She climbed out of the Pool, Lay down on Her Towel and was hardly out of breath.

He Said,"That Was Incredible, were you an Endurance Swimmer?.

"No ", She Said.



"I Was A Prostitute In Dundee",




"But I Worked Both Sides Of The River Tay".

 

A Large Corporation recently hired several Cannibals.
"You are part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the Cafeteria for something to eat,But please don't eat any of the other employees".

The Cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked,"You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work,However,one of our Secretaries has disappeared,do any of you know what happened to her?". The cannibals all shook their heads, "NO".

After the Boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others:
"Which one of you Idiots Ate the Secretary?"

A hand rose Hesitantly.

"You Fool!" the leader continued,"For Four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything,"


"But NOOOoooo, You had to go and eat someone who Actually Does Something !!!!!!!".

 

A Father and his Son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The Son who had been looking out the window, turned to his Father and said,

"If Big Dogs Have Baby Dogs, And Big Cats Have Baby Cats",
"Why don't Big Planes Have Little Planes??"..

The Father who couldn't think of an answer,told his son to ask the flight attendant.

So the little boy asked the Flight Attendant.

"If Big Dogs Have Baby Dogs, And Big Cats Have Baby Cats"
"Why Don't Big Planes Have Baby Planes??".

The Flight Attendant Asked: Did your Daddy tell you to ask that?".

He Nodded.

With a Clever Grin,she said:

"Tell Your Daddy It's Because Southwest Airlines Always Pulls Out On Time !!!"..

 

A Man walks into a Bar,sits down and drinks a beer,then he drinks another beer,and another and soon he needs to take a Leak.
He's standing at the Urinal in the men's room,when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other Urinals and the one in the middle has a white D*ck.

He zips up and still a bit confused,goes back to the Bar.

He orders another beer and thinks about what he had seen.

When the Bartender hands him his beer,he leans over and whispers:.

"I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there",
"I swear the one in the middle had a white D*ck!!!!".

The bartender points at three guys sitting at a table,"You mean those guys ??".
"Yeah", the man says,"they're the ones".

The Bartender grinned,

"Those guys aren't black, they're Coal Miners",

"The one in the middle must have gone home for Lunch".

 

A group of children were trying to become accustomed to their new Nursery.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the Teacher insisted on NO Baby Talk!.

"You need to use 'Big People' words,she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana".

"NO, you went to visit your Grandmother, use 'Big People' Words !".

She then asked Ryan what he had done.

"I took a ride on a Choo-Choo".

She said, "NO ,you took a ride on a Train", you must remember to use 'Big People Words'!!.

Then she asked Little Alex what he had done.

"I read a Book", he replied.

"That's Wonderful", the Teacher said,

"What Book did you read?".


Little Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed his chest with great pride, and said::





"Winnie The Sh**. .