A joke or two.

That made Mr Namaste larf... Spruce,
Jenny

 

@Jenny namaste that will do me Jens I dont do that many I think just as well

 

I bought one of those 'Greek-style' yogurts.

There was nothing in the pot.

 

My nan called at her local MPs house and knocked on the door and he answered it.

"Can I come in?" She asked,

" Have you got a problem?" He replied,

"I'm freezing, and you are the only person I know who can afford to have your heating on," she replied.

 

I was in luck at the Betting Shop and was able to buy two crates of Beer at the local off sale.

I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed home.

I stopped at a Petrol Station for fuel,where a drop dead gorgeous Blonde, in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the crates of Beer,

Bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and in a Sexy voice said,:

" I'm a big believer in Barter, would you be interested in trading Sex For Beer??"

I Thought for a few seconds, then asked:








"What Kind Of Beer Have You Got???"..

 

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing
Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin'
organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the
rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in
that. What's the tartan?...."
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”

 

A Large Steel Company feeling it was time for a shake up.hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all the Slackers.

On a Tour of the Facilities the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He asked the guy,"How much money do you make in a week?".
A little surprised,the young man looked at him and said,
"I make £150 a Week, Why?".
The CEO said, "Wait Right Here".

He walked back to his office,came back in two minutes and handed the guy £600 in cash and said,"Here's four weeks pay, now get out and don't come back"!!!.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked:

"Does anyone want to tell me what that Dead -Leg Did Here?".

From across the room a voice said:,






"Pizza Delivery Guy From Domino's". .

 

(LITTLE BOBBY.)

Little Bobby returns from school and says he got an F, in Arithmetic.

"WHY?", asks his father.

"The teacher asked me How much is 2 x 3?". "I said 6 ".

"But that's right," says his Dad.

"Yes ,but then she asked me,"

"How Much Is 3 x 2 ?"


"What's The F**king Difference?" asks the Father.


"That's What I Said", Said Bobby..

 

Edinburgh Man Wullie Mc Tavish is on his Deathbed, he knows the end is near.

He is with the Nurse, his Wife, his Daughter, and Two Sons.

"SO", he says to them: Bernie I want you to take Braid Hill Houses".

"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield".

"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square".

"Sarah, My Dear Wife, please take all the Residential Buildings in the new Town".

The Nurse is just Blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away,she says:

"Mrs Mc Tavish, Your Husband must have been such a Hard Working Man to have

Accumulated All This Property !!".


Sarah Replies: " PROPERTY ? ------ , " The Old Git Has A Paper Round!!!!".

 

('Puns For Educated Minds' ).

The Fattest Knight at King Arthur's Round Table Was ,'Sir Cumference'.
'He Acquired his size from too much PI.'

A Sign on the lawn at a Drug Rehab Centre Said:
'Keep Off The Grass'.

Two Eskimos sitting in a Kayak were so chilly ,so they Lit a fire in the Craft,
unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again:
'You Cant Have Your Kayak And Heat It'.

She Was Only A Whisky Maker, ' But He Loved Her Still.'

A Midget Fortune Teller who escaped from Prison Was:
'A Small Medium At Large'.

A Dog who gave birth to Puppies near the side of the Road:

'Was Cited For Littering'. BOOM BOOM .
. I Think I'll Stay Behind The Couch Till Its Safe.

 

I tried to get the autograph of that idiot masquerading as an expert at Nelson Mandela's memorial service.

"That was brilliant," I laughed, handing him a pen. "How long have you been getting away with that?"

"**** off," replied David Cameron.

 

( WHAT IS A CAT).

(1) Cats Do What They Want.
(2) They Rarely Listen To You.
(3) They're Totally Unpredictable.
(4) They Whine When They Are Not Happy.
(5) When You Want To Play, They Want To Be Left Alone.
(6) When You Want Left Alone They Want To Play.
(7) They Expect You To Cater To Their Every Whim.
(8) They're Moody.
(9) They Leave Their Hair Everywhere.
(10)They Drive You Nuts And Cost An Arm And A Leg.


CONCLUSION: They're Tiny Women In Little Fur Coats....