A joke or two.

Ronnie Biggs has died, aged 84.

This leaves National Rail as the last remaining Great Train Robber, with cheese sandwiches for £4.50

 

"santa"What do you get if you cross Santa with a gardener?





Someone who likes to hoe, hoe, hoe!"santa"

 

What kind of motorcycle does Santy ride?"sleigh"





"xmas-win"A "Holly" Davidson!

 

last one ........ "xmas grin"


What sort of mobile phone has Santa got?






Pay as you ho, ho, ho!"huggy santa"

 

(Seeing It's This Time Of Year)"sleigh2".

One Day A Man Walked Into A Bar and sat down next to a Guy With A Parrot on his shoulders.

The Bartender said: "Cute Parrot, Does he talk?".

The Guy with the Parrot says, "He does more than just Talk, Watch".

The Guy Lit a Match and placed it under the Parrots Left Foot.
Then the Parrot started singing, "JINGLE BELLS"; it was a Christmas Parrot.

The Guy Then placed the match under the right foot , and the Parrot started to sing,
'The Twelve Days Of Christmas'.

The Bartender said," That's Incredible",
He Then Asked," What does he sing when you place them between his feet?".

The Guy Said:, "You Know I never tried that ,let's see".

When the match was placed between the feet of the Parrot, the Parrot began to sing a Familiar Tune.::::::






"Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire""merry xmas".."xmasdance".

 

Some philosophical words of wisdom:

Do not lead, for I will not follow.
Do not follow, for I will not lead.
Do not walk beside me, for the path is to narrow.......




In fact, why don't just flip off and leave me alone

 

(Don't Eat Chicken Sandwiches No Matter What!!!).

A little Boy and a little Girl attended the same School and became great friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their Lunch.

They discovered that they both brought Chicken sandwiches every day.
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades.

One day he noticed that her Sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said ,"Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it any more?".

She said," I love it, but I have to stop eating it".
"Why", he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said,"Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!".

"Let me see", he said,

"Okay" and she showed him.
He looked and said," "That's right, you better not eat any more chicken".

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought Peanut Butter.
He said to the little girl,"I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches I'm starting to get feathers down there to !!!".

She asked if she could look, so he showed her.

She Said," OH MY GOD, ITS TOO LATE FOR YOU!!!"

YOU'VE ALREADY GOT THE NECK AND THE GIZZARDS!!!!!!!."mer xm"

 

Pinched off of @Angelina on FB,
Question,

What comes after USA?

Answer,

USB.

 

Especially at this time of year,with the Stress and Tension Of Festivities and Crowded Rooms,

(Whenever Your Wrong, Admit It)..

(Whenever Your Right, SHUT UP )."mer xm".

 

I'm wrong, or so i've been told

 

Twas The Night Before Christmas- Old Santa Was Pissed .
He Cussed out his Elves and threw down his List.

Miserable Little Brats, ungrateful little jerks,
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.

I've Busted my Ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa", What do I hear.
My Old Lady bitches cause I work late at night,
The Elves want more money, the Reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got Drunk and Goosed all the Maids,
Donner is Pregnant and Vixen has Aids.

I spent a whole year making Wagons and Sleds,
Assembling Dolls,,Their arms and their legs.

Flying Through the air--- Dodging all the trees,
Falling down the chimneys and skinning my knees.

I'm Quitting this job-------There's just NO enjoyment,
I'll sit on my Fat Ass and draw Unemployment.

There's No Christmas This Year, now you know the reason,
I found me a Blonde,
I'm Going South For The Season.


HO HO HO ,MERRY CHRISTMAS"mer xm""huggy santa":ereinderr:

 

I've just seen the news about Muslim staff in M&S refusing to sell alcohol.
Whatever next?
Christian staff in B&Q refusing to sell nails and wood?

 

I was in town and met a beautiful Chinese girl and I asked for her number

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

 

God enjoys a good laugh.


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1.. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - three proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do!

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?