A joke or two.

Little Susie was helping her Dad weed the Garden.
Suddenly she noticed two insects mating.
After looking at them for a while she said:
"Daddy what are these insects doing?".
Dad looked over and said,"they're mating Susie".
Susie asks,"What is the one on top called?"
"That's a Daddy Long leg ", said Dad.
"Then what's the one underneath called?", asks Susie.
"They are Both Daddy Long Legs Susie", said Dad.

Susie stands up and looks at the Insects then lifts her foot and stamps on them saying::











"We're Not Going To Have Any Of That In OUR GARDEN"!!!!!!!!!..

 

To All Of You Canine Experts,Please Tell Me One Thing !.

If I Cross My Bulldog With A ****ZU, Will I get A Bull****?..

______________________________________________________.
I Asked My Wife If She thought I was a Sensitive New Age Guy = SNAG.
She Said"No not really I think of you more like, a Caring, Understanding Nineties Type=****.

(Fit the missing letters in yourself)..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------'
.

 

Daily Mail online: Earth's temperature could rise by more than 4°C by 2100, claim scientists.


Not at today's bloody gas prices it won't.

 

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=41302

 

After leaving the Local Village Pub a Priest Cycles home through the Countryside.
All of a sudden he comes across a Dead Piglet at the side of the road.
He cycles on to the next Phone box to ring the Police.

He's put through to the Desk Sergeant and explains to the Officer,( in a slurred Voice),
about the Deceased Animal,

The desk Sergeant in an Attempt at Sarcastic Humour says to the Priest::::::
"Did You Give The Animal It's Last Rites"????

To which the Priest replies:::::,

"No, I thought I'd Ring the next of kin First" .

 

Short sighted Man walks into a Restaurant looks at the Menu and says to the Waitress:::::,

"I'll Have The Pissoles".

She replies,"I think you may find if you look carefully Sir, that's an R".


"Sorry" he says," I'll have the R-soles in that case"...

 

Six retired Jewish mates were playing Poker on the Condo Clubhouse when Meyer loses £500 on a single hand,clutched his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing Respect for their fallen comrade the other five continue playing,
But standing Up..

At the end of the game Finklestein looks around and asks," So who's gonna tell his Wife?".

They cut the cards, Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be Discreet,be Gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse.

"DISCREET?, I'm the most DISCREET person you'll ever meet"

"DISCRETION IS MY MIDDLE NAME,LEAVE IT TO ME".

Goldberg goes over to Meyer's Condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers, through the door,and asks him what he wants.

Goldberg declares,"Your Husband Just Lost £500 in a Poker game and is Afraid to come home".

"TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!!" yells the Wife.




"I'll Go Tell Him, "Says Goldberg".. .

 

_A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep. _ _Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began
hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off & let him
get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. _
_ _

_"OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of
excited bats behind him. _
_ _ _Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge
forest. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around
him, tongues hanging out for blood. _

_"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES,
YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. _ _ _

_"Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn't." _

 

A Woman goes out shopping with her Husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes ,and must have.
The Husband says,"No Chance Love!, They're Too Expensive!!!!".

Later that night ,in bed, the Wife is falling off to sleep when she feels her Husband placing his hands on her hips, trying his luck.

She turns to him and says---- "No chance love",

"If you are not prepared to shoe the Horse, then your not riding it!!!". .

 

I was in a pub on Saturday night when this really brutally ugly girl came up
to me, squeezed my arse and said "Give me your number sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes"

I replied "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're
missing."