A joke or two.

A woman came home,screeched her car into the driveway and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags, I won the Lottery".

The husband said ," Oh my God !!! What should I pack ?? beach stuff or mountain stuff ?",

"It doesn't matter", she said, "Just Get Out".:WINK1:.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After being married for thirty years,a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while--then said,"you're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ".

She asks -- "What does That Mean ?",
He Said ----"Adorable,Beautiful,Cute,Delightful,Elegant,Foxy,Godly,Hot ".
She Smiled Happily and said--- "Oh That's So Lovely,but what about I,J,K "??,
He said-- "I'm Just Kidding" !.

The swelling in his eye is going down, and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.:WINK1:.

 

Young People Have Theirs, Now Seniors Have Their Own Texting Codes. :WINK1:.

ATD------- At The Doctors,
BFF --------Best Friends Funeral,
BTW--------Bring The Wheelchair,
BYOT-------Bring Your Own Teeth,
CBM--------Covered By Medicare,
FWIW------Forgot Where I Was,
FYI ---------Found Your Insulin,
GGPBL------Gotta Go Pacemaker Battery Low,
GHA --------Got Heartburn Again,
HGBM ------Had Good Bowel Movement,
IMHO -------Is My Hearing-aid On,
LOL ---------Living On Liptor,
OMSG ------Oh My !,Sorry,Gas,
TOT --------Texting On The Toilet,
MONP-------Middle Of The Night Pee,
LMDO -------Laughing My Dentures Out. :WINK1:.

 

There Once Was A Religious Young Woman Who Went To Confession.

Upon Entering The Confessional, She Said,"Forgive Me,Father For I Have Sinned",

The Priest Said, "Confess Your Sins And Be Forgiven".

The Young Woman Said "Last Night My Boyfriend Made Mad Passionate Love To Me,

Seven Times,".

The Priest Thought Long And Hard And Then Said,

"Squeeze Seven Lemons Into A Glass, And Then Drink The Juice",

The Young Woman Asked,

"Will This Cleanse Me Of My Sins Father?",

The Priest Said ,

" NO, But It Will Wipe That Smile Off Your Face ".,

 

A gang of hells angels out for fun,in the U.S.A.
Passing over a high river bridge saw a tidy looking Bird standing on the parapet.
They stopped and their leader,a big ruff tuff greaser,walked across and asked what she was doing." I want to kill myself". she said.
The greaser say's,"Aw,c'mon, nothing can be that bad",
"It Is", she cried.
He said,"Tell ya what,give me a big kiss and see if that changes your mind".
They kissed in a way that became more and more Passionate and more Frequent,obviously both enjoying themselves.
As he came up for air,he asked why she wanted to kill herself, she replied,
"My Mom doesn't like me dressing up in Girls clothes" !!.

The local sheriff was reported as saying that he wasn't sure if it was,
Suicide Or Murder........:WINK1:.

 

Takes mod badge off for a minute......



I'm only human

 

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat, fishing , chewing tobacco ,and drinking beer. Suddenly Bubba says ,
"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife,she ain't spoke to me in over two months",.
Earl spits overboard,takes a long slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over-----------Women like that are hard to find. :WINK1:.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Children are Quick,They Have An Answer For Everything .

TEACHER: "Maria, go to the map and find North America,!
MARIA: " Here it is ",
TEACHER: "Correct,now class,Who Discovered America "?,
CLASS : " Maria".

TEACHER:" Donald, What is the chemical formulation for water" ?,
DONALD :" H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O",
TEACHER:"What Are You Talking About"?
DONALD :"Yesterday you said It's H To O".:patpat:.

 

A bus conductor, in America, used to have a laugh at older people running to get on the bus
Just as they arrived he would ding the bell, and the bus would set off leaving them behind, he did this many times a day, having a laugh for years
One day he dinged the bell just as an old lady had grabbed the handle to jump on, she was dragged along the road and died

He was of course arrested and charged with murder, found guilty and a penalty of death by the Electric chair

The sad day came, when he was led to the chamber, strapped in the chair and asked what his last wish was, he asked for a Banana
Holding the Banana in his hand, they then threw the switch and nothing happened

Next day he was strapped in again and asked for his last wish and it was again a Banana
Holding it in his hand again they threw the switch and nothing happened

Next day for the THIRD time he was strapped in the chair and asked for his last wish AGAIN it was for a Banana
Holding the Banana in his hand they threw the switch and again nothing happened

The asembled staff advised him that after three goes, it was law that he was now a free man

They queried him about it and how holding the Banana, prevented his electrocution
What was happening to prevent it causing death

He replied
Well, it is just














I am a bad Conductor

Jack McHammocklashing

 

(This Is Your Captain Speaking).
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced.
"Ladies and Gentlemen this is your captain,welcome to flight 293, non stop London to Toronto.The weather ahead is good,so we should have a smooth flight,so sit back,RELAX and ---------"OH MY GOD"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..
Silence Followed!.
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
"Ladies and Gentlemen,I am sorry if I scared you",
"While i was talking to you,a Flight Attendant Accidentally spilled a cup of Hot Coffee in my Lap",
"You should see the state of the Front of my Pants"!
One passenger yelled!!!,


"For F*** Sake you should see the state of the BACK Of Mine"!!!!.

 

A travelling salesman stays overnight with a farm family,
when the family gathers to eat,there's a Pig seated at the table,
the Pig has three medals hanging around his neck and he has a Peg Leg.
The salesman says,"I see you have a Pig having dinner with you",
"Yes",says the farmer,"that's because he's a very special Pig".
"You see those medals around his neck?,the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the Pond,and he was drowning,and that Pig swam out and saved his life".

"The second,that's from when the barn caught fire,and our little Daughter was trapped in there and the Pig ran inside,carried her out and saved her life".

"The third medal,that's from when our oldest boy was cornered in the field by a mean Bull,and that Pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boys life".
"Yes", says the salesman,"I can see why you let that Pig sit at the table and have dinner with you".
"I can also see why you awarded him the medals,
"but how did he get the Peg Leg?".

"Well" says the farmer,
" A Pig like that------------You don't eat him all at once"!!!.

 

Following The Problems In The Sub-Prime Lending Market In America And The Run On H.B.O.S, In The UK,Uncertainty Has Now Hit Japan.
The Origami Bank Has Folded,
Sumo Bank Has Gone Belly Up,
Bonsai Bank Cut Some Of It's Branches,
Karaoke Bank Is Up For Sale,And Is Likely To Go For A Song,
Kamikaze Bank Shares Were Suspended After They Nose Dived,
Ninja Bank Is Reported To Have Taken A Hit,But They Remain In The Black,
Karate Bank 500 Staff Got The Chop,
Sushi Bank Something Fishy Going On,It Is Feared That Staff May Get A Raw Deal.:WINK1:.

 

Just about to withdraw my savings from the Dogger Bank

 

http://www.metoffice.gov.uk/weather/marine/shipping_forecast.html#All~Dogger

 

I'd like to bring this thread onto more serious matters. Perhaps you could answer this question?

Q: Why are we on earth?



















Answer below.











A: Because of gravity.

 

Two Old Gentlemen Sitting In The Retirement Home.
Jim Say's " I'm Knackered, My Back Hurts,My Knees Are Knackered,And I Can Hardly See A Thing, How Are You Feeling Bill ?".
Bill Replies "Like A New Born Baby",
Jim Say's "How Come ?",
Bill Say's, " I've No Teeth, No Hair, And I've Just Sh*t Myself" !!!.

_______________________________________________________________________
REMINISCENCE.

As I Look Back, I oft Remember,
Those Youthful days of Love and Fun,
When All My Limbs Were Soft And Tender,
Did I Say All-----Well,All But One.

Now I'm Old,My Blood Flows Frigid,
Life's Long Race Is Nearly Run,
All My Limbs Are Stiff And Rigid,
Did I Say All---------Well, All But One.

 

A Husband and Wife are shopping in Tesco.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the trolley,
"What do you think you are doing?",asks the wife.
"They are on sale,only £10 for 24 cans,"he replies.
"Put them back,we cannot afford them",demands the wife.
A few aisles further on,the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley. "What do you think you are doing", asks the husband,
"It's my face cream,it makes me look beautiful" she replies.
Her husband retorts ,"So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!!".

Announcement over the P A System.

"Clean Up On Aisle 25 Required ,-------Husband Down.