At my wits end

oh and lastly for all the grown ups ..... NO RAISING TO THE BAIT NO SHOUTING ..
actions will always speak louder than words tell him their will be not shouting or tantrums at the table .... expect him to kick off ... he will want to try this new rule .... let him now in advance what any punishment will be IE loss of toys ( if this is your chosen method make sure that he tells you which toys are his favorite in advance ) or time out ..... if time out is given ( which i favour) it is one 1min for each year of his life also if the then doesnt return to the table and eat ... no snacks to be given after ... many dr's have assured my that NO child will actually allow them selves to starve

 

Clueless don't beat yourself up. We have the exact same problem with my 4 year old, I used to raise my voice at him if he didn't eat his dinner but we've learnt that he just does not like eating at tea time . Thing is that he's not a big fan of sweets, but loves his chocolate biscuits (who don't ). The thing is though he eats all his veg and will only eat pork, anything else on the plate he won't touch it ie potatoes, chips, mash,. Like kaz says no child will stave them selfs.
Keep the faith CL,

 

Thanks all, you've made me feel a lot less wound up about it all

You've also helped wife and I start to come up with a plan. There's loads of good ideas in here, and we're going to take them all on board, and I'm not just saying that, truly, thanks.

 

I have read this with interest because of another thread that was here recently. How did we 'older' people get by? Food was put in front of us and we ate it, no questions, no tantrums, no angry parents, no starving children.

What has changed?

 

Well, my dad openly admits that he was terrified of his dad when he was a kid, and almost as terrified of his mam. My dad and I are both agreed that while a kid should be taught to respect his parents, he should not be taught to fear them, so ruling out my dad's upbringing (because his was based on sheer terror of his parents), I haven't got that much to go on really, except what the excellent folks on here can tell me, which is massively, tremendously, appreciated

 

I completely appreciate what you say Clue but I also must say I nor my sister were terrified of our parents and did not fear them and we are both mid 60s now.

Living here in Portugal now for 11 years and having been coming here for 28 years we see a very different lifestyle with parents and children. We see teens going to cafes and ordering a soup for lunch even in our summers ... yes, there are the hamburgers and chips as well ... but they make their own choice. Children also go out with their parents in the evening and there is no fear. Only Sunday I said to t'other half as we were having lunch at the river and Portuguese families came in (some by car and others by boat) and the parents had a coffee and the children had nor asked for anything and just played at the riverside. We said we could not imagine this happening in the UK, let's say at a pub or at the beach ... the kids would be screaming for soft drinks, ice cream, crisps ....

It's one of the reasons we love living here ... life is calm and peaceful and I have actually grown to LIKE children (we chose not to have any) because they are so well behaved and I am happy for my Portuguese friends' children to come to me and sit on me and actually have fallen asleep on me ... none of my English/American friends would believe this !!!!

 

I know I was a fussy eater as a kid. My mum tells me how she used to let me make Yorkshire puddings cos she knew I would drink the egg mix (yuck). Also liked my vegetables raw which to be honest I still do and my kids are the same. At one point I used to cook different meals for each kid but they soon got eating the family meal except when it's fish which is still viewed as disgusting in any form

 

Firstly, stop taking it personally and getting in a mood over it
If it's the past 6 months, it is clearly a phase and he *will* grow out of it

When he goes to school, he will join in with what the other children do, so I don't see that it will be a problem

If he moans that he is hungry when he is in bed, don't give him anything, not even a biscuit (tempting as it might be).
I'm not a huge fan of reward charts, none of my five had them; he's an only child isn't he! Ok, does he have cousins or friends around the same age that could come to tea? He may behave differently if he is around his own friends (and not the sole focus of you and Mrs Cl1 around the table). Just a thought

 

As a Mum of 3, all of whom went through some sort of eating - or not eating - phase, can I just add my twopenn'oth?

Hard though it is, the one thing you really must do is just ignore his current 'phase', because that's all it is. He's 4 and just doing what all 4 year olds (or indeed children of any age) do, and that's testing his parents, just seeing how far he can push the boundaries. If he were old enough to articulate why he behaves in a particular way at tea time, I doubt he'd be able to, but one thing is certain, the more fuss you make, the more he'll do it and it becomes a vicious circle.

Sit him down, put his tea in front of him and if/when he says he's not hungry, doesn't want it, has had enough (even though he's only eaten one mouthful), or just generally misbehaves, just smile and say 'OK, if you're sure you don't want it', then take the plate away and tell him he may leave the table. You might have to clench your fists or do whatever else it is you do to stop yourself getting cross, but the worst thing you can do is make any sort of fuss. If later, he asks for a biscuit or sweets, just say 'No', although he may have some fruit but that he'll have to sit at the table and eat it.

As parents we all get slightly paranoid about our children 'eating enough', 'having a balanced diet', 'not going to bed hungry' etc., etc., I know I certainly did, but as someone once explained to me, ' ... no child, when offered a balanced diet, ever suffered from lack of proper nutrition or voluntarily starved itself to death'.

If, like one of my daughters, all he wants for tea every night for 8 months is 3 dry cream crackers, (I kid you not!) then let him have them. It's not what they eat at one meal, or even through one day, but what they're offered or allowed, over a much longer period that's important.

As one who's 'been there, done that, and got 3 different T-shirts', believe me, if his behaviour doesn't elicit any reaction, he'll pretty soon stop doing it. Trouble is, being a child, this usually means they'll go on and find something else to try and wind you up!!

 

simple if we didnt eat it for dinner it was our breakfast ........lunch .......and dinner again until the plate was cleared ...... to this day i still hate liver and onions oh and of course this hanging on the back or the door helped with the scare factor


, mind you if we messed about at the table the dinner would be placed on the floor with the dogs food ... they still expected the plate to be cleared ... and not by the dog !
i am sure that this was not NORMAL parenting ( God i hope not ) but this was in the house i was dragged up in

any way clueless Good luck and keep us posted on how it goes...... all 4 of my children, and all 5 grand children and i have lost count of how many little ones in my work i have come across have gone through periods likes this but i would say it is more normal for this to happen than not ...... take courage my friend JUST KNOW AFTER THIS BATTLE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE ANOTHER

 

Our 3 1/2 year old can be the same clue, he's testing the boundaries and us, big time. They seem to have a very strong will at this age, and if they don't want to do it, then, well, it's hard to make them. We've found that since Santa has gone he's left Henry some good boy drops which are imaginary sweeties that we,pop in his mouth to make him good. They have to be invisible cos they're magic, and he says now that he's going to eat all his breakfast, lunch and dinner, and guess what? He does!
Good boy drops work for us, and I also say that I take them each morning and that's why I eat all my lunch and dinner ( I don't eat brekky) so he does too. It's worth a try mate, as it can get very frustrating battling with a little in with a stronger will than ours!

 

First thing that springs to mind, let him play 40min in the snow or take him for a nice walk or let himplay in the bath for quite a while. It could be that he hasnt processed the previous meal yet. Plenty to drink and during the day give him a bite of something directly in his mouth in a few occasions. If it is only a very little something he will eat it and will keep the stomach active. I wouldnt struggle if he refuses food.

 

We were obviously brought up under similar circumstances shiney! My father was stricter than my aunt and uncle with whom we lived from 1957-1963 in England. My father was in America and my mother had died in 1956. Before she died we were living on Long Island, NY, and I can remember many a time when I sat at the table alone after my mother, father and Sis had finished and I was left staring at my plate with something left on it! To this day I often leave something on my plate but am not punished for doing so.

Like you we also did not have snacks. My aunt bought a 1/4 lb of her favourite boiled sweets once a week and they were shared. On a Friday my uncle brought home a Fry's Peppermint Cream or Turkish Delight as a treat. Sis and I shared a bottle of pop in the summer which had to last a week. Perhaps once a month we all went up to the pub and uncle had a pint or whatever, auntie a sherry, Sis and I a pop of some sort .... and a packet of crisps to share ... Smith's with the little blue bag which I still love to this day and luckily can get at our Overseas/Iceland shop 15 minutes away!

Okay, perhaps there were no E-numbers in food those days (or we certainly did not know about them) so maybe we didn't have all the 'hyper' problems kids today seem to have nor the 'attitude' which in our youth was called disrespectful.

 

so hows this going Clueless