Gardening Humour

:D

 

My Auntie Marge has been ill for so long, we're think of calling her 'I can't believe she's not better'



'Borrowed' this quote from Mawsley Village Forum - apologies to Keith :D

 

Here's one I found earlier :D

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

 

:D Here's one that might amuse you PCMedic?
_________________________________________________


Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem:
______________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
______________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
______________________________________________________

4. Problem severity:
Minor ___
Minor ___
Minor ___
Trivial ___

5. Nature of the problem:
Locked Up ___
Frozen ___
Hung __
Strange Smell __

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you ? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
______________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?
______________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:
______________________________________________________

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__

24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

27 Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__

[ 06. August 2006, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: jjordie ]

 

TOO STUPID


Technician: "Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Technician: "What sort of trouble?"

Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Technician: "Went away?"

Customer: "They disappeared."

Technician: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Customer: "Nothing."

Technician: "Nothing?"

Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Technician: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

Customer: "How do I tell?"

Technician: [Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"

Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Technician: [Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Technician: [Ah-at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

Customer: "What's a monitor?"

Technician: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like aTV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer: "I don't know."

Technician: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find wherethe power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

Customer: [sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

Technician: "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer: [pause] "Yes, it is."

Technician: [Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Customer: "No."

Technician: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Customer: [muffled] "Okay, here it is."

Technician: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Customer: [still muffled] "I can't reach."

Technician: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer: [clear again] "No."

Technician: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."

Technician: "Dark?"

Customer: "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

Technician: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Customer: "I can't."

Technician: "No? Why not?"

Customer: "Because there's a power outage."

Technician: "A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]..... "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Technician: "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Technician: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

Technician: "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!"

[slam]
.


( Who got me looking at Joke sites? ) :rolleyes:

 

http://www.2funnyvideos.com/animals/funnycats.html

 

Getting Old :D

Three men were discussing ageing on the steps of the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat fibre - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!" :D :eek: :D

 

:D :D :D :D

 

2 blondes are driving down a bumpy back lane on their way to rob a bank.
"Drive slower" says the passenger, "I don't want the nitro in the boot to explode"
"Relax" says the driver, "I've got a spare box under your seat"
:D :D

 

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

& have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out & make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had s*x

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time &

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and s*x.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace & bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over & whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist." :D

 

:D :D :D :D

 

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"


:rolleyes:

 

Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

:rolleyes:

 

:D :D