Gardening Humour

What is pink and wrinkly and smelly and hangs out of a mans trousers?

His foot.

Nik

 

Doctor,my whole body is in incredable agony, everwhere I prod myself with my index finger I get excruciating pain,am I dying Doc'???
No,....your finger is broken!

 

Dont start that mate.
I used to be indecisive....... but now I'm not so sure.

 

I went to the doctor and said I think people are treating me like a dog!...he said lie down on the couch.....I said i'm not allowed on the couch!

 

Steward at the Olympics...."Hey,are you a pole vaulter"?
"Yes,but how did you know my name is Vaulter"?

 

What's afoot?
12 inches as a rule!

 

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head, the doctor said "I'll give you some cream to put on it". :D

 

Man speaking to a friend in the pub expresses concern that his wife is going deaf as she often doesn't hear what he says to her. The friend gives him advice to check it out.

Arriving home, he finds wifey in the kitchen preparing vegetables at the sink and thinks 'now is as good a time....'

He stands in the doorway and asks in a reasonably normal voice "What's for dinner, sweetheart?" No reply.

So he takes a few steps into the kitchen and repeats the question, still no reply. A few more steps and still no reply.

Finally he's right behind her and puts the question a fourth time only to hear a rather irritable "For the fourth time - it's chicken!"

 

Why do mice have small balls?
Because not that many of them know how to dance :rolleyes:

 

faith healer doing miracles
for my first miracle."whats the matter with you my son"? Well i can't spheek phroperly, so the healer rubbed his hand on his face and said stand behind my son you are cured. loud applause. for my second miracle "whats the matter with you"? chap in wheelchair, Its my legs they have never been any good. he picked him up from he wheelchair and stood him behind rubbing his legs "you are cured" loud applause...then silence..and a little voice said "esscuse me he's fallen over".

 

A few years ago I wanted my sweat shirt for the next day but it needed washing....Wife busy...
Me "What setting do I put the washer on dear"?
Wife "What does it say on the sweatshirt"?
Me "UMBRO"
Wife " Stupid b****r"

:rolleyes:

[ 07. October 2005, 08:11 PM: Message edited by: Paladin ]

 

Paladin, how safe is your wife when you are in charge of the washing machine?

 

Much safer than me when she is in charge of my car :rolleyes:

And last night I said to her
"Since I first laid eyes on you,I have always wanted to make love to you really badly"

"Well" ..she said "You succeeded"!!
:(

 

Not to be put off, I had one more try....
"Shall we try swapping positions tonight sweetheart"
She said "O.K, you stand at the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa ,pick my nose and f**t"