Todays Joke Thread....

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

 

:D :D :D Particularly the Social Security one.

 

just got this sent via email

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney ...
> >
> > The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
> >
> > The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
> >
> > One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
> >
> > Anyway, here's how it all went down:
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
> >
> >
> > Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
> > What is your name? First only please.'
> >
> > Contestant: 'Brian.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
> >
> >
> > Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
> >
> >
> > Brian: 'Sara.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
> >
> >
> > Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
> >
> >
> > Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
> >
> >
> > Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
> >
> >
> > Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
> >
> >
> > Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
> >
> > Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
> >
> >
> > Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
> >
> >
> > Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Uh huh...'
> >
> >
> > Brian: '....and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
> >
> > DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
> >
> > Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
> > Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
> >
> >
> > You listen to this.'
> > [3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones......ringing....)
> >
> >
> > Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
> >
> > DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
> >
> > Clerk: 'This is she.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
> >
> > Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
> >
> > DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
> >
> > Sarah: 'No.'
> >
> > DJ: 'Good!'
> >
> >
> > Brian: (laughing)
> >
> >
> > Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
> >
> >
> > Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
> >
> >
> > Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
> >
> > DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
> >
> > Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'What time?'
> >
> > Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
> >
> > DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
> >
> >
> > Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
> >
> > DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
> >
> >
> > Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
> >
> >
> > Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
> >
> >
> > Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
> >
> >
> > DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
> >
> >
> > Sarah: 'Well...'
> >
> >
> > DJ: Come on Sarah......where did you have it?
> >
> >
> > Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'
> >
> > They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions

 

HOWL. I haven't got the right smiley.

 

I laughed sooooo much geckoman, that is just excellent :D :D

 

:D :D

 

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "Thats a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, youre trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. Its the sh*t house door off a tuna boat!"

 

shiney and geckoman :D :D :D

 

you two are killing me :D :D

 

Man carrying a holdall goes into a bar and orders two drinks. He drinks one and quickly pours the other in to the bag. He does this twice more and the bartender asks 'What are you doing that for?'
'You don't want to know'he said, but the barman insists and threatens to throw him out if he doesn't tell him.
The man opens the bag and out jumps a man a foot tall who runs along the bar kicking over drinks and cursing the patrons, he then unzips his trousers pees over the bar and jumps back into the bag!
'What the hell is that all about?' asked the barman.
The man told him,'I was in America last year,working in the desert when I came across a snake. I was about to shoot it when it reared up and spoke!....It told me if I spared it's life it would give me one wish. So I asked for a 12" prick,and there he is'