Todays Joke Thread....

:D :D thank you all for brilliant laughs.

More, more, more.

cheers

 

maybe a few more lol

 

A man was out walking when he met a Hearse,behind it was another one. Following them was a bloke with a dog on a leash and about 50 yards back was a sinlgle file of 200 men. He was amazed at such a sight and just had to find out what was going on.
'Who is in the first Car'he asked the bloke with the dog.
'My wife...this dog attacked and killed her'
'And the second car??'
'Her mother,she tried to help her daughter and the dog turned on her too'
Being somewhat henpecked,the man was most impressed with the dog and asked.'I would like to buy that dog after the funeral'
Bloke with the dog replied..'Get in the queue'

 

In a Durham job centre a man sees a vacancy for a Gynaecologists Assistant.

He asks for details & is thrilled to learn that his duties are to prepare the ladies as follows:

1) remove underwear
2) wash & shave the ladies nether regions
3) massage oil on shaved areas.

Salary is �£55K per annum he is told to go to Plymouth.

"Oh why is that where the jobs based?" he asks, "No" comes the reply, "thats where you join the fooking queue"....

 

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.


She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.


He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.


As they walked through the ape exhibit,


they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.


Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.


He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.


He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.


The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.


He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her


straps fall to show a little more skin.


She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.


'Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,' he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.


Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.


'Now. Tell HIM you have a headache.'

 

Two southerners - businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshire man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ar*e-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing well ... Only two left!"

 

:D :D

 

Excellent G-M...my ribs are aching... :D

 

just hope all see the funny side of them mate
its only light hummer

 

its the joke section fun and laughs be ok :D

 

For sure!...

 

I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?

About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

 

:eek: :D :D

 

:eek: :D :D

Thank you again. Very good.

cheers