Todays Joke Thread....

cheers guys :D :D always count on our pal and shiney to take the p.ss... boy city were bad...

 

Never do that mate...
We just might get ours kicked by the 'borough at the Bridge later on!

 

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

 

:D

 

:D

 

:D :D :D

 

A 3 year old boy was in the bath examining his testicles ,he said Mum are these my brains?
not yet she said

 

Hahaha Kathy3.

 

v,good kathy :D

A teacher asks her class, ?If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left??
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ?None, they all fly away with the first gun shot?

The teacher replies ?The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.?

Then Little Johnny says ?I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married??

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ?Well I suppose the one that?s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone?

To which Little Johnny replied, ?The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.?

 

:D :D :D

 

Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For �£50 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a �£50 cash

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

 

A married couple are sat having breakfast, when the husband looks at his wife and says "I had a wet dream about you last night pet!"
The wife some what flattered by his comment, replies in a sexy voice "did you darling?"
To which the husband says "yeah! I dreamt you got hit by a bus and I P***** myself laughing!!"

 

:D :D

 

The Funniest Divorce Letter Ever Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers . You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more complete than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that it doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.


About those new silk boxers : I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you have always
wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.