Todays Joke Thread....

:D

 

God said,"Adam,I want you to do something for me,

Adam said "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do,

God said "Go down into The valley, Adam said "whats a valley!

God explained it to him.
then God said,cross the river, Adam said whats a river.
God explained to him then said Go over the hill.
Adam said whats a hill so God explained it to him.
He told Adam," on the other side of the hilll you will find a cave!Adam asked whats a cave.
God explained,and said in the cave you will find a woman.
whats a woman asked Adam,so God explained that to him too.
then God said,I want you to reproduce,God explains this to Adam.
five minutes later he was back,
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily "what is is now and Adam said


you're going to love this,


"WHATS A HEADACHE"

 

:D

 

:D :D :D :D :D

 

GIRL'S DIARY

SUNDAY

Saw Scott this evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late
so I thought that it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself. He hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, like he was in his own little world. I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head forlornly. After about 10 minutes of; silence, I said that I was going upstairs to bed.

I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up however much later he did join me and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me.... that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep....


BOY'S DIARY

SUNDAY

England lost to South Africa today. Gutted. Still got a sh*g though.

 

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
Is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."


Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about
Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
And Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come
On in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just
Lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.


"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.


"Yup," Dave say's, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington ."


And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and
Motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was
Just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."


Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.


"The Pope," his boss replies.


"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to
Rome.


Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St.
Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
So let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."


He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.


Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the
Balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a
Heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.


Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"


His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw ... You and the Pope
Came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k
Is that on the balcony with Dave :D :D :D

 

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's
license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician
showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered
a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the club house
for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you
back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."..........

 

:D :D

cheers

 

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening
with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid
waking his wife, Mary.


He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their

upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by

grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his

rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.


Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked

in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid

as best he could on each place he saw blood.


He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled

his way to bed.


In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.


She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'


Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'


'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be
The broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops
of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot
eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall
mirror.

 

Hahahaha, Goodin geckoman.. :D

 

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?"

"Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed,


"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

 

:D :D

cheers

 

The old ones are the best. :D

 

Love the other two especially the second one.

Keh? Are you from Barcelona? :D