Todays Joke Thread....

Does he then call it a 'FORK'? :D

 

That was lesson number one. Here is lesson number two.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and come to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!!!

Moral:
1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of the sh*t is your friend.
3) And, whatever you do, when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!

 

Thank you everyone for making me laugh :thumb: :D

Now here are some to make you groan (I haven't looked back to see whether these are already on here - if so, then I apologise)

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented

 

I wasn't confused but I always tell lies :eek: :D