Todays Joke Thread....

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has
14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your
body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks
2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You
know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

 

:D:D why do so many of them sound familiar:rolleyes::D

cheers

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?":thumb:

 

Q: What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a man?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable".

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind
2. No business.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly, you can walk on them for the rest of your life!

Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common?
A: Men always miss them.

Q: Why are men and like spray paint?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.

Q: What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.

Men are like disposable tissues...
You can pick them up, blow them and then toss them aside.

Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one, but you're not quite sure why ...or...They burn out if you run them to hard...

 

:D:D:D

cheers

 

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

I went to the doctors with fluid on the knee


He said ......... aim straighter ...................

 

Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is?


They don't fancy each other.

 

:D:D

cheers

 

Doctor said Jimmy had a weak stomach .......... but he threw up further than the other kids at the party.

 

Before It Starts

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'

The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

 

Haha, didn't see that coming actually!

 

Y'know I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. :rolleyes:

 

spud, that was a good one

cheers