Todays Joke Thread....

Heh Heh.

 

excellent. :D:D:D

 

:D:D:thumb:
Very good. Thank you.

cheers

 

You might well apologize:rolleyes::D:D:D:thumb:

 

I wish I were a little ring
upon your tiny hand

Then every time you wiped your bum
I'd see the promised land

:rolleyes: :eek:

 

I dont get it.:o

 

A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the flat next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with
him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears."
Stunned and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think
that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.
__________________

 

Oh dear :(

 

@ Slinky, that's a bit like the one about the engagement ring ................. a bit near the knuckle

 

This Irish man buys a blow up sex doll, takes it home and inflates it; immediately lets it down again and dashes back to the shop very angry.

Says to the shop keeper " Just what do you think youse was doin', this doll's a fella not a girl!!"

Shopkeeper takes the doll and inspects it, then says "You stupid twit, you got it inside out"

 

Like it Mike.:D 02

 

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening.

"Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my
husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.

In a panic, she opened the can of cat food,stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her
husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner.

"Darling,this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage.

You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all
horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

 

A husband and wife were having an argument.

Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife.

The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass.

Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour.

Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face.

Before the couple could say anything, the man said, "I am a genie.

I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled.

But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine".

The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes.

"I want millions of dollars in my account", The husband said.
"Done", said the genie.
"I want diamond jewellery in all my vaults".
"Done", said the genie.
"I want bungalows all over the world", said the husband.
"Done", said the genie.

Now it was the time of the genies wish.

"So" the genie said, "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish.

I have not slept with a women for so long. I wish to have sex with your wife.

The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him.

Besides the genie has given them a lot of things.

So the wife consented.

The genie and the wife had a lovely night together.

Finally in the morning the genie said, "it was wonderful but how old is your husband?"

"Why, he is just thirty five"

"My god ", said the genie, "even at thirty five he still believes in genies".

 

Trevor was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too.

But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.

The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon; he entered him in the Hertfordshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result.

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a pullitician in the making:

Who else but a pullitician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.


Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?