Todays Joke Thread....

:D
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'Y'know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts lef t over.

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC , silenced them all when he observed: 'you're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts; no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable...!! :D:D

 

Speaking of cats - this is a clean one for a change.


A cat died and went to Heaven.
God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years.
Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.
I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!
If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay?? How have you been doing??
Are you happy?'?

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL.' I have never been so happy in my life.
The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

 

This one hasn't translated too well from USAian :

:eek::confused:

 

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

Apparently, a self-important college freshman attending a recent
football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen
sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to
understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one" the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The Young
people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have
nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones,
computers with light-speed processing ... and more."

After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as follows:

"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young ...
so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing
for the next generation?"

The applause was amazing.