Todays Joke Thread....

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? I need to know in case I need to fix it again."

Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."







So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

............I used to like Eric.............

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.

 

Haha :D

 

Hehe I've seen that letter before but it never gets old :D

 

JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE US CITIZENS Date: 15/09/05 7:32:09 AM Eastern
Daylight

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look
up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell
'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be
replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will
relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent. Adults should only handle guns.
If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty Seconds or wearing full
kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game, which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.


J. Cleese

 

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why
are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember
back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail
for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.' :D

 

wife says to husband you make love like you decorate...husband replies really what like very slow and professional? no she says i always have to finish the bloody job off myself:D

 

:D This one was great

 

A serviceman gets chatting with a girl in a wheelchair at the pub; at chucking out time he asks if he can wheel her home to which she eagerly consents.

On the way she says " if you'd like to errr ......... with me, cut through here" he does "Right stop here, lift me up and put my arms over the railings and they

*
*
*
*


he puts her back in the wheel chair and takes her home, knocks on the door, her father opens it and thanks him for bringing her home, then says "you must be in the Air Force," "that's right says the lad, how did you guess?" "Well", says her dad, "the Army blokes always leave her hanging on the railings"

 

Heh,heh, couple of crackers there:thumb:

 

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lalove1968/2778156146/in/pool-lol_cats

 

Woman who cook cabbages and peas in same pot is not sanitary

Honourable lady aviator flying upside down have big crack up

Man who take woman on hill side not on level

Man who take woman in graveyard is ******* near dead

 

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.

Men are so easy.... :D

 

Dai worked in a local Pizza Parlour near Swansea.

A man came in and ordered a pizza to take away.

Dai asked the man whether he would like the pizza cut into 4 or 6 portions.

The man puzzled over this for quite a while before answering that he would prefer 4 portions because he thought he wasn't hungry enough to eat 6.:D

 

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theater, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her butt, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time. The End